Jew or Gentile?

[Questor]

I was born a Jew, raised secular and godless by a family who hid their origin due to fear of persecution, having been born in the 1920's, and not blessed with the sudden 'tolerance' due to the Holocaust. It was so much easier for my family not to be Jewish, though the fear ran deep in the family and showed without the label or identity.

It left my family, and me, isolated. Without community. Without family. Without G-d.

Despite their efforts to keep me knowledge-free of their very real dislike of the practical ramifications of being Jewish, they could not prevent it from leaking out, and leaving me incredibly confused. They were hollow people, teaching me to be hollow. No background, no family to speak of, for they too were hiding from their family tree. The silence was almost designed by the Adversary to divert one more family of Jews to forsake their G-d.

Yeshua found me, despite the efforts of the Adversary to keep dragging me into the world. I found out enough to get baptised, then ran from the people who immersed me. When haRuach haKodesh hit, I was given a knowledge of the people around me that terrified me. Visions are an unpleasant means of instruction, and one can get badly side-tracked by the Adversary's use of them againt you.

I never really attended a church. Instead, I spent twenty-five years running from G-d until he used my foolish actions to get my attention in a life-altering car crash. But the Greco/Roman Christian system was all around me, and deafening. It still is.

I stuck with books when I searched for meaning, and found more questions than anyone in the non-Jewish world had answers for. Jews, for the most part, were not interested in the questions. And so I found the missing information scattered by others seeking more than the grace that did not fit the Scriptures, or even the Apostolic Writings.

And then my parents were gone some twelve years ago, leaving a trail of Jewish breadcrumbs that upset everything I thought. Ten years ago, I had to aceept that I was not the WASP I thought I was.

I never wanted to be Jewish, but the knowledge that one has a heredity that links one to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and commits you to the Sinai Covenant is life altering. For a time I was delighted to have any identity. Those I knew, however, could not tolerate that delight, and there was no community to join that might.

Ahavat Elohim was my lifeline then, and still is, though one would have to read through innumerable posts to track my very bumpy progress from living as a Gentile Believer in Yeshua to a Jewish one, if progress it was.

That my commitment to T-rah, were I a Gentile, is necessary to obtain a share in the New Covenant simply muddied the waters.

I have found that T-rah is like a millstone around my neck. I didn't choose it, it chose me, a died-in-the-wool secular humanist with a fatal attraction to Yeshua.


Who am I to argue with YHWH? And yet I do, constantly. No one can tell me how to live to be acceptable to G-d, except haRuach haKodesh, who has been nudging me in the right direction since I was 15, though I do not get very far. The ten words, done very badly. A weekly attempt at Shabbat. Keeping kosher. The moedim, at least, by acknowledgment of the sabbaths, like Rosh Chodosh falling today, where I will simply not buy or sell. Trying to add on one more throw at a massive target that I only hit the edge of.


I run from the screeching anguish I am afflicted with when I step outside those things most of interest to both haRuach haKodesh, and haSatan. I battle what does not fit with what I read in T-rah, but I don't desire much except not to be a battleground, by truly desiring to do what G-d wishes.

I want to be in relationship with YHWH, and Yeshua, and see no way there except to continue in the deep valley I am in.

Getting to a resting place where I don't miss the mark . . . well, that seems to be an impossible dream. Yes, Yeshua died to be my kapparah, yet knowing it, I still sin.


I sin, therefore I am?

Am what? Or which? And why does it matter so?

[alon]

Sept 1, 2024 9:29:48 GMT -8 Questor said:

I was born a Jew, raised secular and godless … , isolated. Without community. Without family. Without G-d.

… Yeshua found me, despite the efforts of the Adversary to keep dragging me into the world. … I never really attended a church. Instead, I spent twenty-five years running from G-d until he used … a life-altering car crash. But the Greco/Roman Christian system was all around me, and deafening. It still is.

… Jews, for the most part, were not interested in the questions. And so I found the missing information scattered by others seeking more than the grace that did not fit the Scriptures, or even the Apostolic Writings.

… Ten years ago, I had to aceept that I was not the WASP I thought I was.

I never wanted to be Jewish, but the knowledge that one has a heredity that links one to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and commits you to the Sinai Covenant is life altering. For a time I was delighted to have any identity. Those I knew, however, could not tolerate that delight, and there was no community to join that might.

…

That my commitment to T-rah, were I a Gentile, is necessary to obtain a share in the New Covenant simply muddied the waters. I have found that T-rah is like a millstone around my neck. I didn't choose it, it chose me, a died-in-the-wool secular humanist with a fatal attraction to Yeshua.


Who am I to argue with YHWH? And yet I do, constantly. No one can tell me how to live to be acceptable to G-d, except haRuach haKodesh, who has been nudging me in the right direction since I was 15, though I do not get very far. The ten words, done very badly. A weekly attempt at Shabbat. Keeping kosher. The moedim, at least, by acknowledgment of the sabbaths, like Rosh Chodosh falling today, where I will simply not buy or sell. Trying to add on one more throw at a massive target that I only hit the edge of.


… I battle what does not fit with what I read in T-rah, but I don't desire much except not to be a battleground, by truly desiring to do what G-d wishes.

I want to be in relationship with YHWH, and Yeshua, and see no way there except to continue in the deep valley I am in.

Getting to a resting place where I don't miss the mark . . . well, that seems to be an impossible dream. Yes, Yeshua died to be my kapparah, yet knowing it, I still sin.


I sin, therefore I am? Am what? Or which? And why does it matter so?

Reading your post, and pulling out the parts I find most relevant, I think you need to simplify. You have a very twisted, traumatic past in regards to your relationship with Adonai. That, not Yeshua makes it difficult for you:



Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

His yoke is Torah. Rav Shaul made it very clear what he considered paramount in our walk:

2 Timothy 3:14-17 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God [1] may be complete, equipped for every good work.
1. That is, a messenger of God (the phrase echoes a common Old Testament expression)

In order to understand ancient writings like even the NT, we must first understand that while yes, they still apply to us they were NOT written TO us! We must in this case understand it as a first cen Jewish believer would. To not understand that point of view is to miss the mark, as application of false understanding leads to bad doctrine and worse mistakes.

The sacred writings they learned from childhood, all scripture, profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness- what would in their minds fit this description? Can’t be the NT, as it was still being written and many decades from being compiled. No, they would immediately think “Torah”- Adonai’s instructions for holy living. And they may have thought of the other writings their rabbonim taught from. But all would have understood hm to mean Torah.

Rav Shaul was very clear here what was important. And that’s where I suggest you focus. We know Christianity gets most of it wrong. But none of the contemporary Jewish sects are like any of the 1st century Judaisms. And frankly, MJ in my opinion gets a lot wrong. But we are the ones trying hardest to get it right. But still human, so …

Look at Torah as HaShem’s instructions for hitting the mark. We still have to hit it, but when we fail there is grace for the asking, and help to get it right. So give yourself a break. This is what Yeshua meant when He said His yoke was light. Relax, pray, and keep trying. You’ll get there, but only if you shed all the baggage and focus on His Torah.

Psalm 62:5 My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.

[Questor]

Sept 1, 2024 13:13:02 GMT -8 alon said:

Sept 1, 2024 9:29:48 GMT -8 Questor said:

I was born a Jew, raised secular and godless … , isolated. Without community. Without family. Without G-d.

Reading your post, and pulling out the parts I find most relevant, I think you need to simplify. You have a very twisted, traumatic past in regards to your relationship with Adonai. That, not Yeshua makes it difficult for you:



Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

His yoke is . Rav Shaul made it very clear what he considered paramount in our walk:

2 Timothy 3:14-17 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God [1] may be complete, equipped for every good work.
1. That is, a messenger of God (the phrase echoes a common Old Testament expression)

In order to understand ancient writings like even the NT, we must first understand that while yes, they still apply to us they were NOT written TO us! We must in this case understand it as a first cen Jewish believer would. To not understand that point of view is to miss the mark, as application of false understanding leads to bad doctrine and worse mistakes.

The sacred writings they learned from childhood, all scripture, profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness- what would in their minds fit this description? Can’t be the NT, as it was still being written and many decades from being compiled. No, they would immediately think “”- Adonai’s instructions for holy living. And they may have thought of the other writings their rabbonim taught from. But all would have understood hm to mean .

Rav Shaul was very clear here what was important. And that’s where I suggest you focus. We know Christianity gets most of it wrong. But none of the contemporary Jewish sects are like any of the 1st century Judaisms. And frankly, MJ in my opinion gets a lot wrong. But we are the ones trying hardest to get it right. But still human, so …

Look at as HaShem’s instructions for hitting the mark. We still have to hit it, but when we fail there is grace for the asking, and help to get it right. So give yourself a break. This is what Yeshua meant when He said His yoke was light. Relax, pray, and keep trying. You’ll get there, but only if you shed all the baggage and focus on His .

Psalm 62:5 My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.

I understand T-rah without any desire for any but the simplest scriptural meaning of the words. 

I think in terms of the First Century, and Yeshua telling his disciples to beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.

And I am pounded by my sheer inability to keep the simplest instructions given through Moshe. 

Living in our time, in the galut, with no community that makes sense, and without family, I find most of T-rah no longer applies to those of us not living under a community's halachah. What does, I make a stab at keeping, and see my failures grow.

The trauma of the Greco/Roman idea of perfection does not leave me.

I cannot live in an agriculturally based society, under a Temple with sacrifices, nor do I want to. I take Yeshua as my Kapparah, and when I fail to do the few things I require of myself in accordance with T-rah, which I do all too often, I do teshuvah, and begin again. And hate my failure.

I think of a Shabbat that is not actually hard work, to get to my Assembly, to assist in the service, to come home, and spend the rest of the day hard at work in study of T-rah, and wanting nothing more than to not be doing all that I do. People exhaust me . . . brain damage, and the inability to process data properly. Life exhausts me, in just getting from minimal task to minimal task. You understand the body not being there to support what you want, I well know.

But my spirit does not understand the limits of the body, except that I am aware that G-d knows of them. It aches to both want to and be able to desire what G-d wants of me, and have that desire somehow enable me . . . because scripture says that G-d will enable me? "I shall run and not be weary!" It is a lovely thought, but that is spoken to Israel, and the power of YHWH coming to relieve them when they, as a people, turn back to him from their idols.

Everywhere, people are telling me I can do the mitzvot as if I could simply will it to be so. If I could, I would be G-d, and able to do all things in my strength.

How then do I make things simple?

Mostly, I pray to be changed, to be enabled, to even understand what is wanted of me that I can do.

To love G-d, and love my neighbor, when I do not feel love? Was never taught it? Either to feel it, or even much to do it.

I do love to the best of my ability, and I fail constantly. 

My spirit wants to desire what G-d wants of me enough to surpass the lack of training I had to live in T-rah observance of the most minimal kind. I want to desire what G-d desires of me, and instead see only my failure, not simply because I am less able than I need to be, or want to be. Mostly, I do not feel that desire. Ache for the desire as if it would enable me, and want to simply rest under Yeshua's gentle yoke, and cannot manage it. I do not understand it except as the concept of grace which seems very odd from a Jewish point of view.

As for giving myself a break, the knowledge that I barely hit the target makes that difficult. 

Is wanting to hit it enough for fellowship with Yeshua?

Would he think so?

[alon]

Sept 1, 2024 15:39:26 GMT -8 Questor said:

I understand T-rah without any desire for any but the simplest scriptural meaning of the words. 
I think in terms of the First Century, and Yeshua telling his disciples to beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.
And I am pounded by my sheer inability to keep the simplest instructions given through Moshe. 

Relax. The Almighty knows your problems, and I don't see anywhere that He expects you to do the impossible. That's His job, but He can't do it while we are fussing and worrying about or own limitations. Your job is to be in the word, especially Torah. Do your best, but when that is not good enough then ask His help. Rest in His grace, kowingg he will forgive when you repent; 70 X 7 and more! Do your best, and let God deal with the rest.

Living in our time, in the galut, with no community that makes sense, and without family, I find most of T-rah no longer applies to those of us not living under a community's halachah. What does, I make a stab at keeping, and see my failures grow.
The trauma of the Greco/Roman idea of perfection does not leave me.
I cannot live in an agriculturally based society, under a Temple with sacrifices, nor do I want to. I take Yeshua as my Kapparah, and when I fail to do the few things I require of myself in accordance with T-rah, which I do all too often, I do teshuvah, and begin again. And hate my failure.

Yes, we've all felt the frustration of that lack of community; as well as our failures. When I see myself counting failures, I think of Revelation when Yeshua talks to the churches and says "to him that overcomes." This I think is a big part of what He is talking about- we keep trying! Keep working with the Ruach, and keep trusting in our God. Don't dwell on failures, but resolve to do better and ask God for help. I am still working on my anger, which generally leads to cussing. But I have gotten way better with His help!

I think of a Shabbat that is not actually hard work, to get to my Assembly, to assist in the service, to come home, and spend the rest of the day hard at work in study of T-rah, and wanting nothing more than to not be doing all that I do. People exhaust me . . . brain damage, and the inability to process data properly. Life exhausts me, in just getting from minimal task to minimal task. You understand the body not being there to support what you want, I well know.
But my spirit does not understand the limits of the body, except that I am aware that G-d knows of them. It aches to both want to and be able to desire what G-d wants of me, and have that desire somehow enable me . . . because scripture says that G-d will enable me? "I shall run and not be weary!" It is a lovely thought, but that is spoken to Israel, and the power of YHWH coming to relieve them when they, as a people, turn back to him from their idols.

Yes, I well know what you are saying, though I think you are in a bit worse shape than I am. That quote you give is of the olam ha'ba. And yes it was given to Israel. But we were made heirs to the covenant:
Ephesians 3:6 This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel.
I was just talking to my wife, saying I would love to start a home study fellowship. But I can't guarantee how lucid I will be at any given time. More and more I am in a severe brain fog. And the more the doctors do to help, the worse the pain gets; to the point it is very hard for me to walk right now. But we have to understand that God understands our limitations. We just do what we can.

Everywhere, people are telling me I can do the mitzvot as if I could simply will it to be so. If I could, I would be G-d, and able to do all things in my strength.
How then do I make things simple?

I am telling you to relax and do the best you can. Prayerfully work on the rest, knowing God understands your plight.

Mostly, I pray to be changed, to be enabled, to even understand what is wanted of me that I can do.

Try praying to be used as you are. Let Him worry about changing you.

To love G-d, and love my neighbor, when I do not feel love? Was never taught it? Either to feel it, or even much to do it.
I do love to the best of my ability, and I fail constantly.

Again, failure is inevitable. Make continuing to try just as inevitable. "To him that overcomes ..."

My spirit wants to desire what G-d wants of me enough to surpass the lack of training I had to live in T-rah observance of the most minimal kind. I want to desire what G-d desires of me, and instead see only my failure, not simply because I am less able than I need to be, or want to be. Mostly, I do not feel that desire. Ache for the desire as if it would enable me, and want to simply rest under Yeshua's gentle yoke, and cannot manage it. I do not understand it except as the concept of grace which seems very odd from a Jewish point of view.

Grace was not odd to the ancient Jews. It is all through the OT. Like you've probably heard me say, if not for grace, it all would have ended with Adam. I can't know exactly what you are dealing with mentally. I do know from years on a volunteer ambulance crew that head trauma can be very difficult. But in your posts I get the impression you are trying to hard. What is that trite old expression, "Let go and let God." (Even the Christians get some things right.) Relax, do your best and let God do the rest. I know, some people relax too much. You have the sense not to immulate them. But don't let their failure keep you from your own success. Try, yes, but relax and give yourself a break.

As for giving myself a break, the knowledge that I barely hit the target makes that difficult.

I was a range coach in the Corps (many years; nay, decades ago). Whenever people were having difficulties hitting the bullseye I'd take them back to basics. Often it was as simple as "Breath, RELAX, aim, slack, squeeze." They'd try too hard and miss. Shooting calms me, even when the stakes are high. Smething comforting about being able to use a firearm. I have days now when I can't hit anything, but I know if I let it rattle me, make me angry, it will effect my performance another day. I have to relax and just enjoy the effort. 

Sometimes too we have to adjust our expectations. I now shoot black powder (though supplies are getting difficult to find). But it is cheaper, and an all day experience to shoot as many shots as I could rip off in a minute with a semi-auto. Slower pace, more calming, and really easier to clean up (a big plus now'days). 

Apply that to your spiritual situation. Adjust your expectations, slow down, relax, and do your best. 

Is wanting to hit it enough for fellowship with Yeshua?
Would he think so?

I think wanting it enough to keep trying is, yes.

Hang in there. You'll make it. I want to meet you on the other side, so don't give up! 

I apologize. It takes me a long time to write these answers. But I am sure you understand. I am not all there in the mind dept., and I do not want to give bad advice; nad there are all those pesky typos. And to make things worse, I often suffer from acute Lethologica. I can sit for hours just mumbling "I know it ... it's right there ... on the tip of my, uh, that thing in my mouth that gets me in trouble." 

[Questor]

Sept 1, 2024 18:57:52 GMT -8 alon said:

Sept 1, 2024 15:39:26 GMT -8 Questor said:

I understand T-rah without any desire for any but the simplest scriptural meaning of the words. 
I think in terms of the First Century, and Yeshua telling his disciples to beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.
And I am pounded by my sheer inability to keep the simplest instructions given through Moshe. 

Relax. The Almighty knows your problems, and I don't see anywhere that He expects you to do the impossible. That's His job, but He can't do it while we are fussing and worrying about or own limitations. Your job is to be in the word, especially . Do your best, but when that is not good enough then ask His help. Rest in His grace, kowingg he will forgive when you repent; 70 X 7 and more! Do your best, and let God deal with the rest.

Living in our time, in the galut, with no community that makes sense, and without family, I find most of T-rah no longer applies to those of us not living under a community's halachah. What does, I make a stab at keeping, and see my failures grow.
The trauma of the Greco/Roman idea of perfection does not leave me.
I cannot live in an agriculturally based society, under a Temple with sacrifices, nor do I want to. I take Yeshua as my Kapparah, and when I fail to do the few things I require of myself in accordance with T-rah, which I do all too often, I do teshuvah, and begin again. And hate my failure.

Yes, we've all felt the frustration of that lack of community; as well as our failures. When I see myself counting failures, I think of Revelation when Yeshua talks to the churches and says "to him that overcomes." This I think is a big part of what He is talking about- we keep trying! Keep working with the Ruach, and keep trusting in our God. Don't dwell on failures, but resolve to do better and ask God for help. I am still working on my anger, which generally leads to cussing. But I have gotten way better with His help!

I think of a Shabbat that is not actually hard work, to get to my Assembly, to assist in the service, to come home, and spend the rest of the day hard at work in study of T-rah, and wanting nothing more than to not be doing all that I do. People exhaust me . . . brain damage, and the inability to process data properly. Life exhausts me, in just getting from minimal task to minimal task. You understand the body not being there to support what you want, I well know.
But my spirit does not understand the limits of the body, except that I am aware that G-d knows of them. It aches to both want to and be able to desire what G-d wants of me, and have that desire somehow enable me . . . because scripture says that G-d will enable me? "I shall run and not be weary!" It is a lovely thought, but that is spoken to Israel, and the power of YHWH coming to relieve them when they, as a people, turn back to him from their idols.

Yes, I well know what you are saying, though I think you are in a bit worse shape than I am. That quote you give is of the olam ha'ba. And yes it was given to Israel. But we were made heirs to the covenant:
Ephesians 3:6 This mystery is that the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel.
I was just talking to my wife, saying I would love to start a home study fellowship. But I can't guarantee how lucid I will be at any given time. More and more I am in a severe brain fog. And the more the doctors do to help, the worse the pain gets; to the point it is very hard for me to walk right now. But we have to understand that God understands our limitations. We just do what we can.

Everywhere, people are telling me I can do the mitzvot as if I could simply will it to be so. If I could, I would be G-d, and able to do all things in my strength.
How then do I make things simple?

I am telling you to relax and do the best you can. Prayerfully work on the rest, knowing God understands your plight.

Mostly, I pray to be changed, to be enabled, to even understand what is wanted of me that I can do.

Try praying to be used as you are. Let Him worry about changing you.

To love G-d, and love my neighbor, when I do not feel love? Was never taught it? Either to feel it, or even much to do it.
I do love to the best of my ability, and I fail constantly.

Again, failure is inevitable. Make continuing to try just as inevitable. "To him that overcomes ..."

My spirit wants to desire what G-d wants of me enough to surpass the lack of training I had to live in T-rah observance of the most minimal kind. I want to desire what G-d desires of me, and instead see only my failure, not simply because I am less able than I need to be, or want to be. Mostly, I do not feel that desire. Ache for the desire as if it would enable me, and want to simply rest under Yeshua's gentle yoke, and cannot manage it. I do not understand it except as the concept of grace which seems very odd from a Jewish point of view.

Grace was not odd to the ancient Jews. It is all through the OT. Like you've probably heard me say, if not for grace, it all would have ended with Adam. I can't know exactly what you are dealing with mentally. I do know from years on a volunteer ambulance crew that head trauma can be very difficult. But in your posts I get the impression you are trying to hard. What is that trite old expression, "Let go and let God." (Even the Christians get some things right.) Relax, do your best and let God do the rest. I know, some people relax too much. You have the sense not to immulate them. But don't let their failure keep you from your own success. Try, yes, but relax and give yourself a break.

As for giving myself a break, the knowledge that I barely hit the target makes that difficult.

I was a range coach in the Corps (many years; nay, decades ago). Whenever people were having difficulties hitting the bullseye I'd take them back to basics. Often it was as simple as "Breath, RELAX, aim, slack, squeeze." They'd try too hard and miss. Shooting calms me, even when the stakes are high. Smething comforting about being able to use a firearm. I have days now when I can't hit anything, but I know if I let it rattle me, make me angry, it will effect my performance another day. I have to relax and just enjoy the effort. 

Sometimes too we have to adjust our expectations. I now shoot black powder (though supplies are getting difficult to find). But it is cheaper, and an all day experience to shoot as many shots as I could rip off in a minute with a semi-auto. Slower pace, more calming, and really easier to clean up (a big plus now'days). 

Apply that to your spiritual situation. Adjust your expectations, slow down, relax, and do your best. 

Is wanting to hit it enough for fellowship with Yeshua?
Would he think so?

I think wanting it enough to keep trying is, yes.

Hang in there. You'll make it. I want to meet you on the other side, so don't give up! 

I apologize. It takes me a long time to write these answers. But I am sure you understand. I am not all there in the mind dept., and I do not want to give bad advice; nad there are all those pesky typos. And to make things worse, I often suffer from acute Lethologica. I can sit for hours just mumbling "I know it ... it's right there ... on the tip of my, uh, that thing in my mouth that gets me in trouble." 

There is no need to apologize. That you have time and willingness to answer is a blessing in itself. That you have strength to do so is probably edging on the miraculous!


I hear what you are saying. To not struggle so with what I can do little about, and let G-d lead me. To ignore what is said by others who tell me to be perfect, be righteous, be obedient, as if their telling me is sufficient to enable me to do that.


I hear you telling me to be in the Word, in T-rah, and even there, I cannot get the words of others out of my mind, telling me to be obedient or lose my connection with G-d, with Yeshua.

I want to obey, because I want that relationship, and find myself not able to do so, so that when I get in the Word, get in T-rah, I get blasted with the words I am reading.

It makes me want to avoid the Scriptures, except to check on some item that comes up in my chats with the Most High. Fortunately, I am daily checking something, so it is not that I don't open a bible.

Studying T-rah has become a bit like crawling through a minefield, with artillery overhead, and all the while a megaphone is blasting at me that I am not doing it right.

Sermons make me duck and cover. I no longer agree with all but the simplest prayers, because I can't agree with what they are asking for. Even the gospels can be painful to hear when I know that they were given to Jews who understood the background and references, and lived in a society where everyone was taught the same basics because it was civil as well as religious law.


Letting go, and letting G-d?

I worry that if I do let go, he too will let go also. And yet I have heard the promises, that he will not leave the work unfinished in me that he has begun.

I don't despair, but I feel very much as if the very little I do is simply not enough.

Am I doing better than I did? Yes, a little, but it is so very little.

And I will not give up, so you will be afflicted with my presence one day, if not giving up is enough.

Thank you for hearing me, and for your counsel. It helps.

[alon]

Words of others- they cannot know, and it sounds like don’t try to understand what you deal with. You need to somehow relegate them to insignificance and ignore them. We all have those people in our heads. I imagine looking at mine and blowing them a raspberry! 

Here is a suggestion for Torah study so that it does not overwhelm you: Go through the parts you can in larger bites, like the stories in Genesis and Exodus. But when you get to the heavier stuff, break it down into small bites. Like commandments- just do one at a time. Focus on that one and try to work through it. Maybe each day try to follow it through the TNK and on into the NT.

And I am serious about giving yourself a break. Trust God. He promised to forgive, and to help you. Rest in those promises. To doubt is to say we cannot trust God.

I have this self talk thing that “If I don’t make it it’s on me, not God.” But when I really think about it, that’s just an excuse for “He might not forgive me.” Whenever you see “faith” in scripture, think trust. The original terms had more to do with trust than faith. That is what He desires of us is to trust Him. Avraham trusted God and it was counted to him as righteousness. Remember those words? Rachav trusted the Hebrews God and she and her family were saved from the destruction at Yericho. Ruth went into a land where she was a stranger with no means of support. True, she loved Naomi, but she trusted Naomi’s God. And when I think of all the things I did while in rebellion and compare them to Melech Dovid, I don’t come off so bad. But he was called a man after God’s own heart because he immediately repented when confronted by Nathan. But his relationship with The Almighty was not based on his ability to keep Torah perfectly. It was based on trust, that when he repented he knew he would be restored to fellowship.

So you and me, we ain’t so bad. Let go, let God, rest in His promises. Breath, relax- now aim calmly and you’ll hit the mark.

[Questor]

Sept 2, 2024 11:07:28 GMT -8 alon said:

Words of others- they cannot know, and it sounds like don’t try to understand what you deal with. You need to somehow relegate them to insignificance and ignore them. We all have those people in our heads. I imagine looking at mine and blowing them a raspberry! 

Here is a suggestion for study so that it does not overwhelm you: Go through the parts you can in larger bites, like the stories in Genesis and Exodus. But when you get to the heavier stuff, break it down into small bites. Like commandments- just do one at a time. Focus on that one and try to work through it. Maybe each day try to follow it through the TNK and on into the NT.

Thank you. A good idea, as the Parshahs fit me poorly, however well they are meant for training up the young who have not had it taught them.

I am grateful that I had a lot of scripture put into my memory before the crash and loss of ability, and then studied it so much since that a lot is still there.






And I am serious about giving yourself a break. Trust God. He promised to forgive, and to help you. Rest in those promises. To doubt is to say we cannot trust God.

I have this self talk thing that “If I don’t make it it’s on me, not God.” But when I really think about it, that’s just an excuse for “He might not forgive me.” Whenever you see “faith” in scripture, think trust. The original terms had more to do with trust than faith. That is what He desires of us is to trust Him. Avraham trusted God and it was counted to him as righteousness. Remember those words? Rachav trusted the Hebrews God and she and her family were saved from the destruction at Yericho. Ruth went into a land where she was a stranger with no means of support. True, she loved Naomi, but she trusted Naomi’s God. And when I think of all the things I did while in rebellion and compare them to Melech Dovid, I don’t come off so bad. But he was called a man after God’s own heart because he immediately repented when confronted by Nathan. But his relationship with The Almighty was not based on his ability to keep perfectly. It was based on trust, that when he repented he knew he would be restored to fellowship.

So you and me, we ain’t so bad. Let go, let God, rest in His promises. Breath, relax- now aim calmly and you’ll hit the mark.

I'll try. A pity my usual targets are not where I can hold a revolver, but I get the reference.