The Husband Is Head Of The Wife? Eph. 5:23

[garrett]

Ephesians 5:23 NKJV

For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

1 Corinthians 11:3

But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.


At first these verses are seemingly obvious in their meaning. But the more I try to whittle it down, the less I am able to give a full definition to what the verses mean. The whole topic presented itself to me and my wife during some arbitrary video we saw on the internet a while back and it got us talking. The thing is, I know I am supposed to be the head of my wife but I don't think I'm fulfilling this role. And she wonders what her role is in relation to the same verses.

At least one conclusion I've drawn from thinking about this is that the husband CANNOT be the true head of his wife if she does not respect him and allow the natural biblical hierarchy play itself out as G-d requires. My wife and I love each other dearly and we both agree that the husband should be the leader, protector, provider and authority of the household - and that he should be in humble submission to G-d first and foremost. Yet, as all married couples in this world, we have our times of conflict. Sometimes it's heavy duty conflict.

I generally have a strong instinct or drive (a moral one) as to how we should behave, what we should be doing, what we shouldn't be doing and the most functional way our marriage should travel over time - and how we should deliberately act it out. There are times when we will discuss an issue or a topic and I'll ask my wife if she will "please do such and such" or "I really think you should specifically start carrying out this process." I'll also ask, "are you okay with this?" Do you see anything wrong with what I'd like us to do?" I ask if she agrees with my belief and if yes, is she willing to do it? Since I give all the reasons I can think of she generally understands my good intentions and says "yes."

But a problematic theme for me is her follow through. After agreement about a decision or a new way of carrying out our life (whether small or large) there are times when she will specifically not carry out what we talked about. I am emphatic about never wanting to dominate her. The thought of that disgusts me. But I whole-heartedly believe I am supposed to lead us and that the burden (and it's consequences) lays squarely on my shoulders. When I address her "failure" (for lack of a better word) it can often go bad for both of us and I really don't know why.

My contention is that yes means yes. Especially if it's for the benefit of our family and since not doing that which is agreed upon is lying about saying "yes." We're both perplexed about this at times. I'm perplexed with my wife not doing what she agreed to and and she's perplexed that I'm truly upset about it...because ultimately, I'm truly NOT the head of my wife if she doesn't do what she specifically said she would do.

Please understand - I don't have any covert aspirations to get a formula for oppressing my wife like a tyrant. I genuinely want to be the best husband and leader in my home and I want her to know she is always loved. And I want her to revel in knowing there are some things that she DOESN'T have to deal with - that I'll be responsible for the "heavy lifting."

I try to keep myself in the right place with respect to G-d, submission to Him, etc. And I try to be the man in her life that she respects, loves and can count on. So.....does anyone have a verbally miraculous way of explaining what being the head of the wife means, and equally, what it means for the wife with regard to her husband?

Thanks again to Adam and Eve for really screwing things up for the rest of us !!!

G-d bless you - garrett

[alon]

I always wonder that everyone focuses on Ephesians 5:23, but forgets the rest of that chapter, most of which is telling the husband to love his wife as himself! Marriage is a partnership, built on trust and putting the other before yourself. And the family before either of you, with God above all.

The Bible does not teach men to dominate women. Christianity did a huge disservice teaching this as doctrine, and ruined many marriages as a result. Just one of many similar admonitions:

Colossians 3:19 (ESV)  Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

So you are right about treating her with respect, and she should treat you the same. However in any relationship there should be one person in charge, one person who has the final say, and God said that was you. 

Human nature is such that it is easy to agree to a course of action, particularly when you can see the validity in it. But change is difficult, and we tend to just fall back into old habits. However there may be a reason she could not do what you agreed on that day. I might suggest you assume that could be the case, and ask if there was something wrong, some reason she couldn’t do what she agreed on. This is a better way than just accusing her, even though she did not do it.

As to our relationship as husbands to our wives, try reading this from the archives:

theloveofgod.proboards.com/thread/4450/1-peter-3-wives

Dan C

[jimmie]

garret,

The following scripture came to mine as I read your post:

Romans 7:18For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 22For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

Your wife seems to be in good company as she faces the same struggle as the writer of Romans.

[garrett]

Aug 1, 2020 19:03:51 GMT -8 alon said:

I always wonder that everyone focuses on Ephesians 5:23, but forgets the rest of that chapter, most of which is telling the husband to love his wife as himself! Marriage is a partnership, built on trust and putting the other before yourself. And the family before either of you, with God above all.

The Bible does not teach men to dominate women. Christianity did a huge disservice teaching this as doctrine, and ruined many marriages as a result. Just one of many similar admonitions:

Colossians 3:19 (ESV)  Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

So you are right about treating her with respect, and she should treat you the same. However in any relationship there should be one person in charge, one person who has the final say, and God said that was you. 

Human nature is such that it is easy to agree to a course of action, particularly when you can see the validity in it. But change is difficult, and we tend to just fall back into old habits. However there may be a reason she could not do what you agreed on that day. I might suggest you assume that could be the case, and ask if there was something wrong, some reason she couldn’t do what she agreed on. This is a better way than just accusing her, even though she did not do it.

As to our relationship as husbands to our wives, try reading this from the archives:

theloveofgod.proboards.com/thread/4450/1-peter-3-wives

Dan C

I've always noticed that this is a topic that everyone (especially men) are afraid to touch. I definitely didn't disregard the whole chapter! But in light of my concern, it's focused entirely on 5:23, so I'm not trying to cherry pick the verse out of the scriptures in any way. I think I'm pretty sober about loving my wife as I love myself - and trying to do it in a way that suits her as much as possible - not just me. Most of the time my wife will admit to failure on her part when she has not done something that she agreed to do. It's a bad habit and it leaves me scratching my head, thinking, "why agree to do this and specifically not do this?" That's the conundrum. That's where my contention is that the husband is not fully head of the wife if she does not agree (or at least "do").

This is where I'm hoping to get more definition of what being the head of the wife means...does that make sense? Most agree the husband should be head of the wife but what does this really LOOK like?

[garrett]

Aug 4, 2020 5:14:55 GMT -8 jimmie said:

garret,

The following scripture came to mine as I read your post:

Romans 7:18For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. 19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. 20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 21I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. 22For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 23But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. 24O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

Your wife seems to be in good company as she faces the same struggle as the writer of Romans.

jimmie - thank you for bringing these verses to mind. These passages never occurred to me and it's a good explanation about difficulty on my wife's part. It gives me a better perspective. I've always known that her intentions are good. In fact, she is the most kind and well-intentioned person I've ever met. But her specific lack of follow-through is often mind blowing. The human condition I guess. This is where I end up thinking, "how am I supposed to lead us and improve our lives if we don't do what we said we will do?"

[alon]

Aug 5, 2020 3:11:08 GMT -8 garrett said:

I've always noticed that this is a topic that everyone (especially men) are afraid to touch. I definitely didn't disregard the whole chapter! But in light of my concern, it's focused entirely on 5:23, so I'm not trying to cherry pick the verse out of the scriptures in any way. I think I'm pretty sober about loving my wife as I love myself - and trying to do it in a way that suits her as much as possible - not just me. Most of the time my wife will admit to failure on her part when she has not done something that she agreed to do. It's a bad habit and it leaves me scratching my head, thinking, "why agree to do this and specifically not do this?" That's the conundrum. That's where my contention is that the husband is not fully head of the wife if she does not agree (or at least "do"). Because it is part of being human. It is easier to just fall back into old habits. And some women, like my wife (and it can drive me to distraction) just hate change.

This is where I'm hoping to get more definition of what being the head of the wife means...does that make sense? Most agree the husband should be head of the wife but what does this really LOOK like?

The Marine Corps defined leadership as "the ability to inspire willing obedience to orders." Now, if a man is smart he does not just give his wife "orders." However this idea of inspiring willing obedience and execution of agreed upon actions might be a good place to start. Understand that most women want their men to assume their God-ordained roles. But they don't want a dictator. Probably the most common complaint among women is that we don't listen to them. And I know that can be difficult, because they will often times prattle on about things that we find inane. Our interests are just different. But do NOT let this become a habit. Sometimes she just needs to talk, and listening can show her you care, which will translate to a more willing help mate later. And as I said (I think in the referenced thread), because of this difference in the way their minds work, they can pick up on things we men never do. Women's intuition is nothing to take lightly- it is a fact, because they think relationally and pick up on subtle clues we tend to miss. It is a fool who does not at least consider what she says when she gives warning. That is part of her role as an etzer kenigdo, a helper in opposition to us. A woman's brain just works that much differently than ours that it IS in opposition, but this additional viewpoint is part of the strength of a marriage. So pay attention. Listen, and let her know experientially that you will listen, and consider what she says before making an important decision. That is leadership.

Often too we must understand that they are as (or more) human as we are. Sometimes we must be patient in working through their faults. And sometimes we must just get creative. I never had credit cards until I got married. Unfortunately my wife also had the same cards when we finally got them, and it was a constant fight to get her to stop spending with the plastic! Then I gave her the checkbook and let her pay the bills. She saw firsthand what I had been trying to tell her. Within 2 months she put her cards in the oven and stank up the house, but she destroyed the cards! As a bonus, she balanced the checkbook better. Me, if I was within 20 dollars either way, SUCCESS! She would spend hours if that's what it took, looking for the problem so she could balance it to the penny!

So in short, it looks like a partnership with each fulfilling their God given roles. The husband would be the CEO, and in my case my wife is (among other offices) the CFO. Whatever works for your partnership. But play to each others strengths. As an example, my son loves to cook, and he is very good at it (and he did not learn that from me- he can sing too, where I can only squawk a parody of most songs- weird kid). But he does most of the cooking at their home. It works for them. Wouldn't work for me. My ornery kids all tell people, perfect strangers even tales of when I had to cook; and they ain't nice! So be flexible. If both work, us guys should help out around the house more than just repairs. Be involved with your family, get to know them well, and play to their strengths as much a you can. They'll all respond to that more than just arbitrary orders.

And don't micromanage. Almost everyone will work best when they can take ownership of their job. They can put some creative effort into it and make it their own. One last thing from the military: they will follow best when they know your priorities are in order and not negotiable. Mission, men, then you, in that orer. In the family, that is God, family, wife, then you. Make sure you are meeting their needs, spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. 

That's the best I can tell you. 

Dan (wish I was around years ago to tell me this stuff) C