Unanswered Prayers and the "silence" of G-d

[garrett]

Hi Friends,

Looking for some helpful input - no platitudes - just sincere advice or suggestions on a perpetual problem I've had for quite a long time.

My problem is this: I have a handful of very specific and important prayers/requests in which I've asked for G-d's help. It's been a few years now and - NOTHING. Sometimes I'm tempted to have some very choice words for Him. He does after all tell us to ask him for help with our needs.

My prayers and requests are based on need. I believe in a personal G-d but an impression came across me earlier this week that He is not being personal with me.

Imagine how husbands and wives are required to treat each other, how teaches us how to treat mankind, yet not only do I ask for help, I also hear/see nothing from G-d. I am his bride. I do know that everything we need (Yeshua) has been provided to us and that this life is full of troubles. I am not naive about this. But parenthetically, I "need to eat", I need peace, etc. and I find these things slipping away.

I sometimes wonder.....is this an attack of the adversary? but then, I was raised in a lot charismatic churches and I won't even touch that speculative garbage about "the devil doing this or the devil doing that". I distance myself from any churchy form of quasi-intelligent analysis. Now that I mention it, I've also developed a very very bad attitude about the "church". I find that I can't stand it! I would prefer that I just be willing to let it go. It must be the upbringing and early adult years.

So....I apologize if my attitude seems crummy but He is not helping in areas that are very profound to me and He is becoming silent - like a Stone.

Please send all quick fixes and cash and coffee my way - garrett

[Elizabeth]

Sorry to hear this. I hope for the best.

I don't know your difficulties and I am sure no one else can really understand the way you need them to except for G-d. I don't think G-d minds you taking your emotion to him. I would say its better to pour it out before Him asking Him to show you what to do with it than to let it fester and cause a divide.

If I were you, I would find a biblical role model and a psalm you feel you can identify with. Go back to repeatedly just to remind yourself that you are not alone.

As far as practical advice, just based on my own experience, ask for help from friends and family and take advantage of whatever is available to you. I had a huge lesson in humility when my daughter started kindergarten, a little different than yours, but i learned that sometimes you just have take one moment at a time to see the grace G-d has made available to you. Don't worry about what other people think, and focus on the few bright encouraging lights who care and offer grace. If someone is there offering you grace, take it and make the most of it. 

Praying for you and whatever purpose all of this is for.

[alon]

Jul 10, 2015 8:03:16 GMT -8 garrett said:

... Looking for some helpful input - no platitudes - just sincere advice or suggestions on a perpetual problem I've had for quite a long time.

My problem is this: I have a handful of very specific and important prayers/requests in which I've asked for G-d's help. It's been a few years now and - NOTHING. Sometimes I'm tempted to have some very choice words for Him. He does after all tell us to ask him for help with our needs.

My prayers and requests are based on need. I believe in a personal G-d but an impression came across me earlier this week that He is not being personal with me.

Imagine how husbands and wives are required to treat each other, how teaches us how to treat mankind, yet not only do I ask for help, I also hear/see nothing from G-d. I am his bride. I do know that everything we need (Yeshua) has been provided to us and that this life is full of troubles. I am not naive about this. But parenthetically, I "need to eat", I need peace, etc. and I find these things slipping away.

I sometimes wonder.....is this an attack of the adversary? but then, I was raised in a lot charismatic churches and I won't even touch that speculative garbage about "the devil doing this or the devil doing that". I distance myself from any churchy form of quasi-intelligent analysis. Now that I mention it, I've also developed a very very bad attitude about the "church". I find that I can't stand it! I would prefer that I just be willing to let it go. It must be the upbringing and early adult years.

So....I apologize if my attitude seems crummy but He is not helping in areas that are very profound to me and He is becoming silent - like a Stone.

...

You don't give details about your problems, but from what you say some of them center on work, or lack of it. I have lived most of my life hand-to-mouth, and so can empathize. My personal experience, looking back, is that when God seemed distant, it was me who was creating that distance, not Him. And when times are tough and prayers seem to be going unanswered is when that distance seems the greatest. It is a matter of trust, and when a man cannot provide for his family is one time trust is difficult.

For me a big issue is healing. I trust that at some point I will be healed- either that or God will still provide the meds I need. One of these costs over $1000.00 each month, and I absolutely have to have that one. It's a tough one to trust on, but I must. God has not been entirely silent on that one, but He mostly is outside the Biblical assurances we both have.

I also know what you mean abut Pentecostal churches overdoing the "attacks of the enemy" to the point it is hard to believe any of it. And my experience with them is the vast majority of them don't really believe what they are saying. However I can tell you, also from experience, that attacks from the enemy are very real! I've had to pray and name (actually describe) the demon which was attacking me, and I felt it when the thing was gone. And no, I didn't see it; but I know what it felt like and what the effects were and how I had invited it into my life. So if you think you are under demonic attack, don't take this lightly just because the Pentecostals overdo this doctrine. It may take some "soul searching" to identify the real problem. But trust me, it is worth it when you find out and ask God to remove it. It also builds faith, because while your Pentecostal friends will not believe it if you tell them of the real thing (trust me there- if they know they are lying about it, they'll think you are too), you will know! And it does build trust in God when it happens.

It is easy to get a bad attitude towards the church the more false teachings and heresies we uncover as we progress in our Messianic studies. But remember, you were fortunate to have been called out to a higher purpose. They are still in darkness in many ways. I do believe that many people in the church are saved, and therefore are brothers and sisters. But like we were before we left, they are saved in spite of, not because of the teachings of the church. So while I do get angry sometimes, I try to direct that anger at those who intentionally led the church away from God in the first place; on those who are responsible to accurately translate the Word but who just keep perpetuating the same horrible mistakes because that is what they were taught; and often towards pastors who should know better and whose job it is to research and understand what they are teaching. And even then I try not to let my anger get the best of me- anger being another thing I have to deal with.

Remember Daniel, and how his answer to one prayer was delayed by a demon. But he prayed faithfully, expecting (trusting) God to answer. And while I won't throw platitudes and Bible verses at you, all of which you've read or heard before. But I will quote Rav S, "Each of us is as close to God at this very moment as we want to be." It isn't God who is distant, it is us. And this effects our trust, our prayer life, and our relationship with Him.

I wish I could help more, but without details I can only give vague references to my own experiences. I hope it is some encouragement and help.

Dan C

[Questor]

Jul 10, 2015 8:56:41 GMT -8 alon said:

Jul 10, 2015 8:03:16 GMT -8 garrett said:

... Looking for some helpful input - no platitudes - just sincere advice or suggestions on a perpetual problem I've had for quite a long time.

My problem is this: I have a handful of very specific and important prayers/requests in which I've asked for G-d's help. It's been a few years now and - NOTHING. Sometimes I'm tempted to have some very choice words for Him. He does after all tell us to ask him for help with our needs.

My prayers and requests are based on need. I believe in a personal G-d but an impression came across me earlier this week that He is not being personal with me.

Imagine how husbands and wives are required to treat each other, how teaches us how to treat mankind, yet not only do I ask for help, I also hear/see nothing from G-d. I am his bride. I do know that everything we need (Yeshua) has been provided to us and that this life is full of troubles. I am not naive about this. But parenthetically, I "need to eat", I need peace, etc. and I find these things slipping away.

I sometimes wonder.....is this an attack of the adversary? but then, I was raised in a lot charismatic churches and I won't even touch that speculative garbage about "the devil doing this or the devil doing that". I distance myself from any churchy form of quasi-intelligent analysis. Now that I mention it, I've also developed a very very bad attitude about the "church". I find that I can't stand it! I would prefer that I just be willing to let it go. It must be the upbringing and early adult years.

So....I apologize if my attitude seems crummy but He is not helping in areas that are very profound to me and He is becoming silent - like a Stone.

...

You don't give details about your problems, but from what you say some of them center on work, or lack of it. I have lived most of my life hand-to-mouth, and so can empathize. My personal experience, looking back, is that when God seemed distant, it was me who was creating that distance, not Him. And when times are tough and prayers seem to be going unanswered is when that distance seems the greatest. It is a matter of trust, and when a man cannot provide for his family is one time trust is difficult.

For me a big issue is healing. I trust that at some point I will be healed- either that or God will still provide the meds I need. One of these costs over $1000.00 each month, and I absolutely have to have that one. It's a tough one to trust on, but I must. God has not been entirely silent on that one, but He mostly is outside the Biblical assurances we both have.

I also know what you mean abut Pentecostal churches overdoing the "attacks of the enemy" to the point it is hard to believe any of it. And my experience with them is the vast majority of them don't really believe what they are saying. However I can tell you, also from experience, that attacks from the enemy are very real! I've had to pray and name (actually describe) the demon which was attacking me, and I felt it when the thing was gone. And no, I didn't see it; but I know what it felt like and what the effects were and how I had invited it into my life. So if you think you are under demonic attack, don't take this lightly just because the Pentecostals overdo this doctrine. It may take some "soul searching" to identify the real problem. But trust me, it is worth it when you find out and ask God to remove it. It also builds faith, because while your Pentecostal friends will not believe it if you tell them of the real thing (trust me there- if they know they are lying about it, they'll think you are too), you will know! And it does build trust in God when it happens.

It is easy to get a bad attitude towards the church the more false teachings and heresies we uncover as we progress in our Messianic studies. But remember, you were fortunate to have been called out to a higher purpose. They are still in darkness in many ways. I do believe that many people in the church are saved, and therefore are brothers and sisters. But like we were before we left, they are saved in spite of, not because of the teachings of the church. So while I do get angry sometimes, I try to direct that anger at those who intentionally led the church away from God in the first place; on those who are responsible to accurately translate the Word but who just keep perpetuating the same horrible mistakes because that is what they were taught; and often towards pastors who should know better and whose job it is to research and understand what they are teaching. And even then I try not to let my anger get the best of me- anger being another thing I have to deal with.

Remember Daniel, and how his answer to one prayer was delayed by a demon. But he prayed faithfully, expecting (trusting) God to answer. And while I won't throw platitudes and Bible verses at you, all of which you've read or heard before. But I will quote Rav S, "Each of us is as close to God at this very moment as we want to be." It isn't God who is distant, it is us. And this effects our trust, our prayer life, and our relationship with Him.

I wish I could help more, but without details I can only give vague references to my own experiences. I hope it is some encouragement and help.

Dan C

Not receiving an answer from G-d does not mean you are not being heard, but first one needs to check if there is anything getting in the way of G-d blessing you. Generally it is not the everyday sins that we receive a check in the Spirit about in order to do tseshuvah that cause problems, but ones that are hidden from us by time, and even the rationalizations that we give to ourselves about past problems...as if they were completely done with, when sometimes they are not.

Unforgiveness towards people that you have mostly forgotten can get in the way, as can the mere attitude that you are in compliance with all that G-d wants of you. For both, one seeks G-d and asks three things:

"In what way, O L-rd, YHVH Tsevaot have I offended you that I am not aware of, and that I am not seeking to overcome? Who have I not forgiven, what old, old sins are getting in the way of your blessing me? YHVH my Abba, show me the source of your displeasure, and let me see myself as You see me."

Once having asked to be shown what is wrong, one waits for answers. If silence remains, even though your need is great, it can be that G-d is testing your faithfulness under times of difficulty.

I have spent a lot of time in valleys of weeping, but the psalm says that we turn it into a valley of springs, and then it rains down upon us.


"Psalm 84:5-12 (CJB)
5 How happy the man whose strength is in you, in whose heart are [pilgrim] highways.
6 Passing through the [dry] Baka Valley, they make it a place of springs, and the early rain clothes it with blessings.
7 They go from strength to strength and appear before God in Tziyon.
8 Adonai, God of armies, hear my prayer; listen, God of Ya‘akov. (Selah)
9 God, see our shield [the king]; look at the face of your anointed.
10 Better a day in your courtyards than a thousand [days elsewhere]. Better just standing at the door of my God’s house than living in the tents of the wicked.
11 For Adonai, God, is a sun and a shield; Adonai bestows favor and honor; he will not withhold anything good from those whose lives are pure.
12 Adonai-Tzva’ot, how happy is anyone who trusts in you!"


Often we have to move in faith before G_d answers...at least, so I have found it, but I admit, the dry silent times require long-suffering faithfulness, and a determination to allow G-d to do to us all that He wishes, for He has something in mind for each of us that we do not always see.

Once I began to ask Abba to change me into whatever He wanted me to become, and to enable me to do all that He asks of me, the easier it has gotten. However, the days of struggling are by no means behind me either...simply the reason for the struggle has changed, for fighting fear is very wearying, as is sorrowing and grieving for others and for what is happening around me. And of course, every day there is a battle in my thoughts of what I am going to think on...what G-d wants, or haSatan desires. And in between, I actually need to live a life, and that's hard to all fit in in a single day, every day.

I will pray, Garrett, that Abba will answer your questions, and bless you as your soul prospers.

[alon]

This weeks haftara bears some similarities to your predicament. It is from 1 Kings 19, and we see the prophet Elija, after he, trusting God, taunted and defeated 420 priests of Baal. They cried to their gods to consume their offering in fire, but no answer came. Elija had his alter soaked in water and of course his God consumed not only the offering and the wood, but the stone alter and the ditch full of water as well.

Immediately the enemy attacked, through Jezebel who imperiously swore to kill Elija. He lost heart and fled to Horeb (Mt. Sinai). It is called Horeb because this implies a place with no food or water. It actually means "dry place." Yet his needs are met.

1 Kings 19:8-14 (ESV) And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God. There he came to a cave and lodged in it. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and he said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.” And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He said, “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”

It was bad enough that Jezebel was after him, but three times the Lord answered him and, I don't know about you (or Elija), but I'd have been a might nervouse (OK, scared!): but then God answers him in a clam, small voice and this time, having prepared Elija He sends the prophet out to do His work.

We can't know what God is preparing us for, or His purposes in allowing us to be tormented by ha satan. Look at Job; he did nothing wrong yet he lost everything but his life. And now he is immortalized as the archetype of suffering through to show God's glory. And I know, it can seem like God has abandoned us. However we have His promise that this is not the case:

Hebrews 13:5 (ESV) Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So take heart; keep your trust in God and your mind on Him. I know I I wasn't going to give you scriptures and platitudes- but reading this example of a great man of God, a prophet no less, loosing heart then being sustained and prepared was just too good to pass up. Again, I hope this helps and encourages you; and my prayers are with you. Expecting a good report!

Dan C

edit: and believe me, I know the difference in loving money and still needing just a little bit of it ... I just trust God to provide and so far, He has. And I've seen some pretty precarious times, but I made it here to offer you these platitudes. Sorry ...

[garrett]

Thank you Elizabeth, Alon and Questor,

I read what each of you wrote and I'm going to re-read it a few more times to have it sink in some more. I certainly don't mind scriptural support or personal feedback, those aren't platitudes. These are actually some good things to hear.

It's very difficult to have everything in life come to a "peak" gradually, then quickly and then to the point where everything becomes overwhelming and utterly confusing, to the point where I would find myself resenting G-d. It's a very disgusting state of mind, not only for me but with regard to Him.

I'll try to assemble a couple of specifics too. I'm not usually attracted to situations where folks air out their dirty laundry but maybe some context would help. It's nothing from a Hollywood movie, so don't get too excited. Some things are more current circumstances with the combination of things from the past 20 years, all piling up it seems.

Look at me - actually using the pc on a Friday night.

Thanks to the three of you and G-d bless you - garrett

[alon]

Well, under the you are not alone banner ... I have relatives coming in from Virginia and Hawaii and Spokane and ... anyway, I'vebeen helping my mom who fell and hurt her hip. Sister is doing that now. I have a nephew and a daughter I havn't seen for three yrs. I see my sister and her kids about once a year. Anyway, the plan was there was to be no plan. Everyone drops by and if we're here, fine. And they all had stuff to do Saturday. Well... well, well ... it now seems they may have a schedule in their busy schedules to get together, right when I would be in synagogue. I knew this was going to happen. My wife told me all this just before I went to bed at 9:00, so of course here it is 12:15 and I am UP! Now I'll probably miss the morning sleeping (I hope) Then I'll go on over at 2:15.

Attacks come from everywhere and when they will hurt the most. If I don't go, I miss talking to the rabbi about some important things and moving forward on some projects. Also missions in Pakistan and India which will be depending on money I send are already over a month late! I hate that, but it's just how it worked out. So I should get to bed and see if I can sleep some. They want to go out and eat breakfast. I'm still divided on that one. It's family, and mine was neglected for many years so I tend to bend Shabbos just a bit at times.


Didn't I hear R Reuel say this meshiachiathing was easy? *sigh*

DanC

[Elizabeth]

Lol; Garrett "nothing from a Hollywood movie so don't get too excited".....

heads-up fellow forum members; no racing an asteroid or resisting an imminent alien invasion so save your capes, super vehicles, and eye masks for another post.

[alon]

Jul 10, 2015 19:53:04 GMT -8 garrett said:

... It's very difficult to have everything in life come to a "peak" gradually, then quickly and then to the point where everything becomes overwhelming and utterly confusing, to the point where I would find myself resenting G-d. It's a very disgusting state of mind, not only for me but with regard to Him. ...

God is gracious, and often His answers are right in front of us. More from this week's par'shah (Pinchas):

What if, as Moses prepared to apportion the land, the daughters of Zelophehad had not thought they were worthy; or that because only men had received an inheritance they didn’t ask? They wouldn’t have received their portion. YHVH is our portion; He will grant our requests if we go boldly before Him and ask for it, believing that we deserve it and trusting Him to give it.

John 16:24 (ESV) Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

Especially when it is things we need, or circumstances that threaten to destroy us:

Psalm 145:19 (ESV) He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.

So again take heart, and go boldly but humbly before God and ask for a resolution for your troubles. And know that you are not alone.

The enemy has been very active here as well. In our (Beit Aveinu) congregations in the North-West in just the last 2 wks., we've lost several people; some through family issues, which is where he is attacking me at the moment. It is tragic and disheartening to see these things. On the other hand, they may be a winnowing process which God in His wisdom deems necessary.

I wish I could say it is easy, but the truth is that those of us who seek the truth are a particular target of the enemies hatred. I have also been hit hard by my medical condition this year, which has prevented me from moving forward in my studies as well as projects I'd like to get done. And yes, it is difficult to press on, trusting God to make all well in the end. I won't even sit here and tell you I completely trust Him; that I don't worry. That'd be a lie. But in the end, He is all I have to fall back on. The doctors can't make me well- they are who really messed me up in the first place! So who else but God? We all must remain firm in our faith and our search for truth.

John 8:32 (ESV) and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

The truth is, in the end God is all we have to lean on.

Hebrews 6:9-20 (ESV) Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

Dan C

[Elizabeth]

Well, I find myself sympathizeing with my mother-in-law's go-to statement, " I dont need a long email, just a hi doing fine." I hope all is well, and still praying life gets easier.

[garrett]

Well,

The trouble has been along these lines...I've been underemployed for several years and during that time I severely injured my back and didn't work for ten months. I was denied workman's comp. I ended up paying for my back treatment and mortgage, etc. from my savings. There was a time when I HAD money. Those days no longer exist.

My parents and my sister are unbearably offensive to me, though they don't realize it. They have been this way for as long as I recall during my adult life. After at least two decades of hearing bad things from them, I basically took a break from them for the past year or so - and I don't know if I ever want much to do with them from here on. I feel terrible around them. I guess the "heartless" strand of DNA was removed from me during conception.

I lost a three year old son twelve years ago - and his mother decided to leave. I have pretty good peace about my son, but I feel old and worn out about all these things, in addition to the family stuff (no support, fake Christianity, rude) and no money. I have a Bachelors degree in Fine Art. I used to paint like a fiend. Things are more like the Sahara now. I really don't enjoy this rut but don't know what to do. 

Fortunately, I am married to a very sweet and loving wife, which helps so much.

Maybe that puts it into perspective as to what pesters me over the past few years.....

[alon]

Jul 14, 2015 10:22:53 GMT -8 garrett said:

The trouble has been along these lines...I've been underemployed for several years and during that time I severely injured my back and didn't work for ten months. I was denied workman's comp. I ended up paying for my back treatment and mortgage, etc. from my savings. There was a time when I HAD money. Those days no longer exist.

My parents and my sister are unbearably offensive to me, though they don't realize it. They have been this way for as long as I recall during my adult life. After at least two decades of hearing bad things from them, I basically took a break from them for the past year or so - and I don't know if I ever want much to do with them from here on. I feel terrible around them. I guess the "heartless" strand of DNA was removed from me during conception.

I lost a three year old son twelve years ago - and his mother decided to leave. I have pretty good peace about my son, but I feel old and worn out about all these things, in addition to the family stuff (no support, fake Christianity, rude) and no money. I have a Bachelors degree in Fine Art. I used to paint like a fiend. Things are more like the Sahara now. I really don't enjoy this rut but don't know what to do.

Fortunately, I am married to a very sweet and loving wife, which helps so much.

Maybe that puts it into perspective as to what pesters me over the past few years.....

I hate to hear of your troubles. I won't go into detail about my own, other than to say I can understand most of it first hand. God has provided for my needs, however it does get old just getting by and at times even falling further behind (although He has graciously allowed me to start making some headway recently). Families ... can be complicated. My dad's side is referred to by my kids as "the dark side" of the family. I don't have a lot of contact with any family really outside my mom and immediate family. That can be a bit lonely, but it is better than the constant negativity. And yes, it is made much worse by my being MJ. Those who seek the truth in anything, especially religion, choose a lonely path. But hold fast to His truth. At this point anything will sound like platitudes, but I just want to encourage you; so hold on.

Dan C

[Elizabeth]

That is a lot to deal with. All I can think to do is consider all you are dealing with in light of what I have learned. Let me add I haven't had such obstacles and can't grasp how difficult all this is. The only thing that comes to me at this point is to be very prayerful about your family issues and how G-d wants you to handle it. I am not saying ignore what you feel or do something that makes you uncomfortable because all I can do is speak from my own experience, which I know is not yours. In my own experience, G-d doesn't let things go the way we sometimes prefer to. He may want you to deal with those issues for your own good and peace. I don't know how bad your experience, but that is the first thing that hit me just based on my own experiences. My husband and I were not happily married for some time but had come to a place where it was purely a division of labor relationship. I had G-d and gave up on my husbsnd. G-d put me through it till I realized I couldn't have a relationship with Him and settle for things in my household the way they were. He cares too much for us to let things go sometimes.

[jimmie]

Job 2:13

[garrett]

Hey you guys,

Just an update. Well, it's been some time now. My wife and I are hanging in there. Our problems have not "gone away" or been resolved. But our marriage is still strong, and in an earthly sense, seems a stronger bond than with G-d. Though I always look forward to the ONE thing we have been able to count on and that is the Sabbath, starting Friday night and into Saturday. I usually read the portion on Friday night, along with other various scriptures. I especially try to read all the words that Yeshua said.

We live hand to mouth, pray that the cars don't break down and we are broken-hearted about the self-imposed exile we created in order to have some space from my family. They they don't understand their own actions and they are so destructive and judgmental with us. And being completely removed from "the church" has them thinking we are going down the road to destruction.

We have come to appreciate the smallest things - each other, food, our house, our cats (which seem to worship us) and getting a lot of sleep on Shabbat. And their are many times where I've known the magic and intrigue of getting close to G-d and being reminded of how I am supposed to imitate the Messiah. At least I know what the standard is.

Yet there is barely enough money, my job is as toxic as Chernobyl, my family is in a state of shambles (it always was - I just made it perfectly clear to them for the first time) and we are given a hard time for the things we believe. It's still a lot going on but I keep thinking.....there is nowhere to go from here but UP.

If you haven't heard from me lately it's just because I've been busy with job searching, being tired and trying to maintain some semblance of a normal life!

May G-d Bless You - garrett