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Post by Elizabeth on Jan 19, 2015 9:22:44 GMT -8
This is a very practical problem that has been hanging over my head for a couple of months.
I feel their is verbal abuse occurring in the family of one of my son's friends. I do not like the way my son behaves and talks after spending time with this friend. I also do not approve of the way this child speaks to my children. Also, this child was becoming very possessive of my son, and would get upset if he went to birthday parties or played with other friends. I have limited the time my children spend with this child who is also a neighbor.
What is my responsibility to this family? They are Christians. I went to a Bible study with the mother when I first moved here and initially we were quite friendly. Over time, I saw more and more things with which I am uncomfortable. It was at least a year before I met the father, which is when my suspicions and concerns became more firmly grounded. As I have limited the time my son spends with them, it has become more and more awkward, and they got more pushy. Now, they have backed off and there is little contact between us. Though this is what I want, it is awkward because I am sure they wonder what happened.
I don't think there is any awareness within this family that something is wrong. I don't feel they would be receptive to any one else's observations or opinions. Based on previous interactions and lesser incidents with other neighbors, I fear any criticism would simply result in defensive harshness and hostility towards us. I also worry that if I bring up the issue, it would only put this child in a worse position and be blamed.
It is hard to know my role and responsibility, and I am unclear as to what I should do. I have protected my children, which I know I needed to do. It just seems like I have left my neighbors hanging, and I am not sure what my role should be to my neighbor. |
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Post by alon on Jan 19, 2015 15:50:10 GMT -8
I feel their is verbal abuse occurring in the family of one of my son's friends. I do not like the way my son behaves and talks after spending time with this friend. I also do not approve of the way this child speaks to my children. Also, this child was becoming very possessive of my son, and would get upset if he went to birthday parties or played with other friends. I have limited the time my children spend with this child who is also a neighbor.
What is my responsibility to this family? They are Christians. I went to a Bible study with the mother when I first moved here and initially we were quite friendly. Over time, I saw more and more things with which I am uncomfortable. It was at least a year before I met the father, which is when my suspicions and concerns became more firmly grounded. As I have limited the time my son spends with them, it has become more and more awkward, and they got more pushy. Now, they have backed off and there is little contact between us. Though this is what I want, it is awkward because I am sure they wonder what happened.
I don't think there is any awareness within this family that something is wrong. I don't feel they would be receptive to any one else's observations or opinions. Based on previous interactions and lesser incidents with other neighbors, I fear any criticism would simply result in defensive harshness and hostility towards us. I also worry that if I bring up the issue, it would only put this child in a worse position and be blamed.
It is hard to know my role and responsibility, and I am unclear as to what I should do. I have protected my children, which I know I needed to do. It just seems like I have left my neighbors hanging, and I am not sure what my role should be to my neighbor.
As you've already figured out, this family has some serious issues, and your responsibility is to your own family first. You've already limited the time your son has with this problem child. If you haven't already, I'd make sure there are some ground rules firmly established for both boys when they are together. I'd keep them close as well, otherwise you won't know if anything is wrong until its too late. Don't let your son go to their house.
Plan B: if at any time, including now, you think the situation warrants it, forbid your son to play with them. Make sure he understands why. How well you can enforce this will depend on how old the boys are and how much influence this kid has on your son.
As for the parents, you'll probably have the opportunity to talk to the wife and if she asks, be honest with her. More likely you'll get to talk to both parents at a school conference if/when the other kid tries to bully your son. Again, be honest. Give facts, things you've observed, and not opinions. You say they are Christians, do you have friends who will back you up? Possibly talk to their pastor about your concerns. This can get a bit dicey though, since you are Messianic. That will have to be left to your discretion. It doesn't sound like they will appreciate your concern any way you approach them.
If there is evidence of real abuse you could call CPS. But call that the nuclear option, and be ready for the fallout.
Honestly, your main concern is your own family, and it sounds like you are on the right track there. The other family is not your problem except where they interact with you or God gives you the chance to talk with them. You can start by praying for this and see what happens.
If the child responds to your rules and a loving environment at your home, then maybe you can reach him. Maybe then relax the restrictions a bit. But I'd still forbid your son to go to their house or to go with his parents anywhere. May be awkward, but it is the responsible thing to do.
Will pray for you.
Dan C |
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Post by garrett on Jan 19, 2015 17:15:46 GMT -8
Ditto on the prayer...
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Post by Elizabeth on Jan 20, 2015 9:08:47 GMT -8
Thanks for the reply and feedback. The prayers are greatly appreciated as well.
I will pray for G-d to show me the role I am supposed to play for this family and the courage and wisdom to act accordingly. The other child doesn't like spending time at our house and comes over just to ask my son to play at their house. That doesn't happen nearly as much anymore as we have been refusing.
I will wait and see what G-d presents me with. If I am called to step-up and have that conversation, I think the mother will be shocked. Likely, I or her child will be blamed. I don't look forward to the conversation and consequences, but my biggest worry is she will be embarrassed or angry and blame her child.
I do my best to keep comfortable relations with neighbors, and dread confrontation. G-d is really challenging me on this one and knows right where to aim. 
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Post by jimmie on Jan 20, 2015 15:45:19 GMT -8
[
If there is evidence of real abuse you could call CPS. But call that the nuclear option, and be ready for the fallout.
Dan C Ever been on the receiving end of that action. Not easy. I ran a 22 year old off who was chasing my 16 year old daughter and he turns us in for child neglect because we slept in tents during Tabernacles and had "no food" for the children. Pretty awkward giving a tour of my canning pantry to the local CPS worker and state police. These folks claim to be Christian, then treat them as such. Sharpen them. They may not even know that there is a problem. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Jimmie |
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Post by alon on Jan 20, 2015 21:33:54 GMT -8
[
If there is evidence of real abuse you could call CPS. But call that the nuclear option, and be ready for the fallout.
Dan C Ever been on the receiving end of that action. Not easy. I ran a 22 year old off who was chasing my 16 year old daughter and he turns us in for child neglect because we slept in tents during Tabernacles and had "no food" for the children. Pretty awkward giving a tour of my canning pantry to the local CPS worker and state police. These folks claim to be Christian, then treat them as such. Sharpen them. They may not even know that there is a problem. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Jimmie
As for their being Christian; they can claim anything, but:
Mat 7:16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
The way she describes these people, they seem to be a might prickly. She can try to approach them in "Christian love"; but she should be ready for a satanic backlash. And the adversary can work pretty good in the lives of believers sometimes. Growing up a PK, I've had ringside seats to peoples lives and entire churches destroyed by some of the most (self)righteous believers. So no, I don't advise just taking them at their word that they are just nice, innocent Christians.
And I didn't say it, but if the child is being verbally abused by the father, the mother knows it and has chose not to deal with it. She may need help to do so, but that is a judgment call whether and when to step in and offer. Tough call any way you look at it.
Dan C |
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Post by Elizabeth on Jan 21, 2015 8:47:50 GMT -8
Fortunately, there is no reason to believe there is any physical abuse.
The rough part for me is that I don't see a lot of wisdom or willingness to accept advice. I see a lot of pride and judgment, but I think there is a desire to please G-d. I am just wondering if G-d wants to use me to help them become aware of what He needs them to address. If so, you are right Alon, I will be raked over the coals and slandered. In which case, I need to be prepared for my own lesson in humility. |
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Post by Elizabeth on Jan 21, 2015 9:09:33 GMT -8
Jimmy, as awful as your experience sounds, I hope you can appreciate the humorous imagery your description lends itself to. I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe you should have insisted they take the guest tent while waiting for you to slaughter and roast the choice lamb. |
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Post by jimmie on Jan 21, 2015 10:47:01 GMT -8
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine:
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Post by Elizabeth on Sept 17, 2015 13:03:25 GMT -8
A follow up on how things went; I ended up having a conversation with the mother. The process further supported my concerns. In the interest of protecting my son and untangling ourselves from an unhealthy situation,I ended up cutting ties with the family. They never really heard what I said, and just dodged the issue. Although things were amicable enough, it felt unfinnished. I knew I hadn't accomplished what G-d wanted me to do.] With the motivation of preparing myself for Yom Kippur, I emailed them recently. I apologized for hurt feelings while also more thoroughly explaining my concerns. I really felt the burden of their child's needs and gently suggested they help their child. (To ease any concerns, I was very prayerful and know G-d was guiding me. ) The response I got from her weeks later really highlighted a huge difference I have experienced between Messianic Judaism snd Christisnity. She responded, that she is "giving it to G-d". Immediately, I thought, "well G-d gave it to you". G-d isn't our excuse. G-d is our G-d. Yeshua isn't our excuse. He us our teacher. This goes back to the faith/trust distinction we discussed in another thread. All this, "what's my purpose" talk and "what's G-d's plan for me" ideology. G-d has clearly answered these questions; keep His  . He gives you something to do. Compare where you stand to His , then deal with the discrepancy. I am one-by-one checking things off my to-do list. I ignored so much under the guise of "handing it to G-d" for years. I am so thankful I am no longer stuck in that mindset. I am so glad He challenges me to fix my mess and thinks enough of me to help me do it. G-d doesn't want us to stew in our imperfection. The next time a Christian challenges my pursuit of , I have a much clearer idea of what I am going to say. G-d didn't give us Yeshua just to excuse ourselves of any responsibility in the life we lead. He gave us Yeshua to give us the strength to deal with our mess. I prefer following His instructions to sitting around waiting for G-d to do it for me or feeling helpless because I don't know what to do. Anyway, a huge realization for me between Messianic believers and Christian believers. We decided to stop sitting around wondering what G-d wants us to do and started doing our best to do it. Why did we ever make it so complicated? |
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Post by garrett on Sept 18, 2015 4:08:33 GMT -8
Elizabeth - wonderful response.
garrett
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- there are 70 faces to 
