Honoring Parents

[Mark]

What does it mean to honor your father and mother? How does this apply to adults, particularly adults who have parents that believe their submissive children are fruitcakes?

[Shiloah]

I guess I try to speak well of them, even when I disagree with their viewpoint. I am not saying I have succeeded all that well in the past. I grew up in a house where anger was not tolerated and there was little real communication. There were "hidden" manipulative things said to make you do "the right thing". As an adult, I have rejected that form of communication and I find that the more honesty and humour I can bring to the relationship the better it has become, plus forgiving them for their parenting style in the past.

I have told my parents about how we are keeping the Shabbat, and my Dad was really open to the idea that the church has missed it by making Sunday the Christian Sabbath. We talked at length about it, and I was a bit surprised. My mum is a bit more resistant to different ideas, so she seemed a bit more closed. I think as adults we can have more freedom to "agree to disagree".

I "choose" to honour them, by ringing them (they live a good 500 miles away) as often as I can, (usually once a week) writing to my mum, encouraging my teen sons to talk to them, when they had their 50th wedding anniversary last year I made sure we placed a high priority on visiting them, getting the family all together for a special celebration, even though my parents had a very "oh, we don't care" attitude to it before that. Afterwards they made a special point of saying how much they had appreciated it.

Also, as they are aging, I have sat with them and expressed my care and committment to them to carry out their wishes as to what they want to happen in case there is a health crisis. I guess I see it as being there for them, keeping the doors of communication open, caring about their needs, as it says in the Brit Chadasha that we should care for those in our own household, and if we don't we are worse than an unbeliever. Sometimes my Dad just needs to chat about stuff he is anxious about (he suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and my mother says when he has had a chat he is usually much more relaxed. So that helps my mum too, because it is hard to live with at times.

I try to put a positive spin on some of the stuff, like, my Dad is a totally dedicated person, he will put in 100 per cent effort (instead of saying he is a perfectionist.) I guess I choose to look for the good in them, and bless them, and since I have chosen to do this, we have a much better relationship. And I am still alive!!! (a reference to the reward you get for honouring your parents). : -)

Mark,I think this is a great topic, especially in a culture where it is oh so easy to loose respect, a culture where this has become "cool" and the norm.

[BarvazGumy]

What does it mean to honor your father and mother?

I asked this question numerous times while in the church and a few times since then. One of the leaders of my synagogue understood eventually that I came from a very difficult household and advised me to honor G-d for the choice He made by placing me in that home with them as parents. Father died three or four years ago and Mother this year. While I did not understand doing kaddish when Father died, I do it with regard to Mother.

Laura Schlessinger has some things to say about honoring parents, and her book, The Ten Commandments, is worth reading. In the case of which you are asking, I suggest that you especially check out The Fifth Commandment: "What Happens When a Parent Needs to Be Sent to His/Her Room Without Supper?" through "What Goes Around." Schlessinger may not be a believer, but she handles this quite well.

[R' Y'hoshua Moshe]

Mark,I think this is a great topic, especially in a culture where it is oh so easy to loose respect, a culture where this has become "cool" and the norm.

I also think this is a great topic and one that we all can grow in. Let us share our thoughts and experiences and encourage each other unto good works concerning this.

With my mother, she lives a block away from me. One of things I try to do is drop everything when ever she needs help whether it be helping her fix her computer to helping her do construction on her house. But, the way we relate to our parents in front of others is especially important. We are to lift them up and honor them with our actions and words. But, we also have a responsibility to take care of them in their time of need. For those whom ignore them in their time of need are guilty of a great sin. My father lives very far from me and I don't have much contact other than over the phone, so I don't have much opportunity as I would like to honor him. May we all grow in this area and may we glorify our Father in heaven by honoring our parents.

Shalom chaverim!

Reuel

[Shiloah]

Reuel, I am constantly thinking - how can I honour my parents when they live so far away.

Interestingly enough, my father likes to help and be involved lots in his children's and grandchildren's lives. He seems to feel most honoured when we ask his counsel, or even see if he can help in some way with what is happening for us. As an example, my husband is a keen astronomer, and he needed a special piece of machinery made for his telescope. My Dad has the mechanical mind, and was so pleased to be asked to help, I am sure he feels honoured when allowed to be involved. I think one of the huge problems in our western culture is that the elderly do not feel honoured, respected and valued for their years of experience and wisdom. They don't feel needed. I try to convey that he is still needed in our eyes, in my attitude.

I agree it is so important what we say about our parents in front of others as well. THAT is where I find the greatest challenge, because there are family members who think it is funny to make jokes about our parents, and they will try to draw you in to these conversations. I often think "I am going to be old one day- how do I want to be treated?"

I try to carry over this attitude to the elderly in general, I am sure there is a number of scriptures relating to honouring the elderly, and caring for them.

Shiloah (Jen)

[R' Y'hoshua Moshe]

Especially for those whom have older parents...

"'You shall rise up before the gray head, and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your G'd. I am YHVH." - Vayikra (Lev.) 19:32

We need to rise and show honor to our older parents.

Shalom chaverim,

Reuel

[messimom]

I find I honor my mom well when I do one thing: Shut up and listen. She is not a believer and therefore has more worldy views, but she is still full of advice and wisdom. I've learned that she seems to feel much more respected and honored when I simply and smile (not in a disdainful way), or tell her I appreciate her advice and will consider what she has told me. My dad passed away in 2001 and it was during the time leading up until his death that I had my eyes opened about what it is to truly honor and respect your parents. We all knew he was dying for almost two years before he passed and it was in those years that for the first time in my life, I was able to really come to respect my dad. Its actually very , because for his whole life my dad was a wonderful man worthy of anyones respect. He was an upstanding man, full of morals and, although not having an understanding of true Biblical righteousness, a righteous man. I was only 23 when my dad passed away. Older than some, but younger than most who lose a parent. Because I had been a child and then an "all-knowing teenager" who went my own direction for a while, I only knew my dad for real, as a more mature person, for a couple of years. It was in those couple of years that I really was able to appreciate who he was and what a wonderful dad he had been for me and my siblings. I realize YHVH truly blessed our family by giving us time before my dad's passing away. Only now, do I really know how much I respect my dad, it is unfortunate that he can't know this. But I can now take my knowledge and understanding of how valuable a parent really is, and use that to really honor and respect my mom. She is likewise a wonderful person and even though I do not always agree with her, I respect her.

[Mark]

My mother-in-law is not a believer. When she came to live with us, I told her that I view her relationship very much like the state of England. She is the Queen Mother. She has all the dignity and authority in this home as royalty. She can do pretty much whatever she pleases. We will do everything in our power to accomodate her wishes and desires. We will view her opinions kthe utmost sobriety.

I am the Prime Minister. It is my duty to see that this "state" remains secure to the best of my ability and according to my own judgment. She's been with us for two years now. The relationship has rarely strained. We never argue. We each know our place in the home and it functions very well.

Our home would be incomplete without her. There's something about a multi-generational home that is very special. It is important for our children to see and understand what it means to honor- as between adult children and their parents, so that they can learn what it means to honor Adonai.

[BarvazGumy]

While I may not have been blessed with what we usually view as ideal parents, the L-rd has blessed me with two sets of wonderful parents-in-law. It is my joy to honor them whenever I can, although those remaining live a few hours away and one has passed on.

But when my first husband was killed, my first parents-in-law were sure they would never see our children again and that I would act dishonorably toward them. Admittedly, we did not get along at all until about three years after my husband died, but it was because I did not understand "normal," loving parents. When I began to understand, I realized what treasures they were and began calling them "Mom" and "Dad" with deep meaning.

One of the ways I honored Mom when my children were still living in my home was when I needed advice from Mom. I would call, and when she picked up the phone, I would call out, "Mommmmmy! I need help!" We would laugh, then I would ask my questions.

Mom and Dad -- and Dad from my present marriage -- are all in their eighties now. What I would give to hand them back the last 40 years of time, to experience them for those 40 years all over again. There was a time when I questioned G-d with tears and a broken heart regarding my own childhood home, but how I have thanked Him for the years I have known these wonderful parents-in-law. I am so wonderfully blessed. Some people never experience good parents-in-law, but He has blessed me with two sets.

I must say a word about my mother-in-law from my present marriage. She was an amazing woman with the most amazing spirit I have known -- able to rise up and do things beyond that most people would bother to do. Although she knew that I loved and respected her, I am not sure that my husband's father knows I love and respect him. He is very hurt that I left his church and that I will not visit it. I have tried to reassure him, but I don't think he can accept it.

[The 614th Mitzvot]

This is one of the hardest commandments for many people because being with your parents in terms of an opinion is often difficult. However, one should be sure to stand in their presence as one would do for a special person; tend to them; assure that they are in health in their hoary years; assure that others honor them; never speak decieit; and finally, assure oneself that no thought of evil comes into one's mind so as to do any wrong.

[R' Y'hoshua Moshe]

However, one should be sure to stand in their presence as one would do for a special person; tend to them; assure that they are in health in their hoary years; assure that others honor them; never speak decieit; and finally, assure oneself that no thought of evil comes into one's mind so as to do any wrong.

Very wise words my brother,

Shalom,

Reuel