Post by youneverletgo on Mar 10, 2009 13:54:42 GMT -8
Here is my testimony -- I'm posting this so that others in here (mostly those who are reading the "Can Christians Be Saved" thread) can have a better understanding of me.
I originally posted this on another website, and it has been a couple of years since I wrote it. I could add more to it now.
My parents took me to a Christian preschool, and while I was there, I remember the teachers brought us into a big room…I don't remember if it was after the opening or what, and I do not remember how often they opened this opportunity up, but I remember a teacher asking us if we wanted to ask Jesus Christ into our hearts.
Although, at that age I didn't fully understand what that meant, it was something I really desired. I didn't know why…I just wanted Him in my heart. And when the teachers opened this up to us, I remember I was scared, yet there was also a very strong desire to accept Jesus into my heart. I remember fighting between the fear and the desire, and this desire, I believe was the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart.
Finally, the desire to ask Him into my life won over the fear, and I said I wanted to receive Jesus. So, I was taken into another room, and there must have been someone else there…a teacher or something, who led me in prayer…I don't remember the exact details…all I remember is confessing Him as Lord and Savior and wanting Him in my life….asking Him.
And I also remember something happened, and I know I was changed forever by it. I remember there being some kind of bright light, and there must have been an experience of the Holy Spirit coming into my life….because I remember something happening very distinctly, and also I believe that God spoke to me in that moment.
It was weird...it was so long ago, and yet I still remember some of the feelings and the event itself.
I know that although I was like 4 or 5, that that was when I became a Christian. Even though I didn't understand everything…He was in my life. And I am so thankful that I was saved at such an early age, because the church I grew up in never mentioned a personal relationship with God. There was only one time when receiving Jesus was even discussed in my church (that I can remember), and it was with a video…and I found out much later that people in my church got really upset over that. Some people were actually offended by it!
I went to church almost every Sunday with my parents, and Sunday School too…but there really was no saving message that was presented at that church. And I know a lot of other churches are like this as well…and it saddens me. It is partly for this reason that I have a passion for people in churches to not be ignorant about what the Bible says. Many churches are spiritually dead these days.
Growing up, I didn't know a whole lot about the Holy Spirit…He was just part of a song we sang when taking up the offering. No one I knew was on fire for the Lord. No one talked about what God had done in their life. Faith was a private matter. My church was more of a social club than it was a place to learn about God and to grow in relationship with Jesus Christ. People didn't come to worship God…there was no adoration for Him.
But despite this environment, God was still a part of my life, and I had a trust in Him. And I grew a little bit in my relationship with Him….though I didn't REALLY start growing in that relationship until high school.
If I hadn't been saved when I was, I don't know what would have become of me. All the other people who went through confirmation class with me….I have no idea where they are at now. Most of them do not attend church anymore, and I had not seen them in church for a long time. Several of them had children outside of marriage and got into other problems.
I am so thankful to God that He was there…and I know that it was only by His grace. Honestly, He is what got me through elementary, junior high, and high school. I do not know where I'd be today if He hadn't been in my life the whole time. Other kids made fun of me horribly –the way I dressed (I didn't care about fashion…I didn't have to have the latest in fashion), they considered me a geek/nerd (I actually cared about school work), I was never popular, and they knew they could be mean to me and get away with it. Thinking about these things now…..I was treated pretty badly.
Other people noticed how I was treated as well, and my friend Mark turned to me on the bus one day and asked me if I ever had considered killing myself because of how I was treated. I looked at him through tears and I told him, "No, I could never kill myself. I know God has a plan for my life, and I know that things won't always stay like this. I believe that He has bigger plans for me."
That's not to say that I wasn't emotionally wounded by how other people treated me. I was very hurt. It has taken a long time for God to heal me of all of those wounds…it has been a process. I held them to myself for so long because I didn't realize that I could give them to Him and that I could look to Him for comfort. Even though I had faith, there was so much I didn't know. I didn't know who I was in Him…in that I didn't know that I was precious in His sight. I felt really bad about myself, and saw myself as less than a person…because that's how other people my age treated me. God has brought me a long way since then, but I'm sure He also still has much work to do on me yet.
I can't imagine what would have happened had I not had faith. I might have gotten into drugs, or given my body to guys, or killed myself….any one of those things could have happened. But it was by God's grace that He came into my life when He did…and has been by His grace that He has sustained me.
A Focus on my life with peers in school
(Part of a letter that I wrote someone else who was struggling with guy issues)
Growing up, I never had very many intimate friends either. I grew up in a "Christian" church, but the people there viewed church as more a country club than anything else. No one really talked about the gospel message much, or their personal relationship with Christ, plus there really wasn't anyone else my age at church.
At school, when I was going into 4th grade, my family moved, so that I had to change schools. At my new school, people already had their friends. They wanted nothing to do with me. To them, I was an outsider. (This is a general comment, not something that may apply to EVERYONE). The first thing comment I heard coming out of anyone's mouth was, "Who is THAT….she looks retarded.." The kid didn't talk to me, but he talked at me…talked about me to another person. That made me feel pretty bad.
Not to mention my sister and I were having problems. She too was mean to me…and my mom criticized me a lot. I don't think she meant to…I sometimes think that she was not real sure of herself, and so she criticized me because she wanted me to be perfect…she was trying to feel good about herself and give herself assurance. I didn't realize it at the time….it seemed like everywhere, from every source I couldn't measure up.
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The other girls at my school did not want me to join their Campfire group…people were pretty snotty there. There were only a few people who welcomed me…so almost immediately other kids made fun of me. Instead of getting better throughout elementary school, things got worse. I liked this guy, Brad….I liked him a lot. When I was in 5th grade he found out that I did, and as soon as he found out that I liked him, he turned on me and became very mean. At recess, he got his friends to go after me….they would throw stuff at me…like woodchips and small rocks. I had to hide from them. I cannot remember if it was Brad and his group of friends, or whether it was when I was in 6th grade, but there was a group of people that would come up to me and kick me. I had to hide.
So in 5th and 6th grade I hid in a corner at recess because I didn't want anyone to find me. In 6th grade, a different boy used to come up to me and kick me as well. Someone got in my desk and ripped up one of the pens that I had outside. I saw pieces of it on the ground. One time this other kid, Tim, came up to me and started kicking me in the shins until they blood. I had some blood on my socks.
I used to hate recess a lot. Like I said, I would hide in the corner and sit down…sometimes I would just cry….wanting recess to be over.
There was a girl who used to "play" with me at recess…but because I'm not very athletic, and because I've never been good at sports, she just used the "play" to really beat me. She had fun beating me…..we used to play teather ball. At least it was something, though. It was better than sitting by myself in a corner all the time.
In junior high things didn't really get better for me, though they were a little better, I think. Other kids still made fun of me pretty bad….but the environment of junior high was different. We switched classes for every subject, and I wasn't with the exact same group of kids the whole time.
Other girls in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade were pretty mean. They used to write notes about me in class….I know the contents of one of the letters because the teacher read it out loud in front of the entire class…and it was a big class…it was band. It made me feel pretty terrible. The other girls in the clarinet section were always making mean comments about me, and they were always talking about me. I heard what they were saying.
In study hall they used to pass fish stickers around and give them to me…it was a way of making fun of me. They used to call me "chunky fish." Others used to write notes directly to me…the notes were pretty nasty. They used to make pretty cutting comments about me.
In 8th grade the guys continued to be mean….in art class there was this one guy who came up to me and kicked me in the stomach. I had no defense…he knocked the wind out of me, and the teacher did nothing about it. The same guy would trap me by instrument cases in the band room and start kicking me. I got away from him a couple of times, but one time he trapped me so that I couldn't get away for a period of time. He also tried to trip me in art class, and laughed when he succeeded. I believe he also kicked my legs too..The other kids in class joined in the laughing. No one came to my defense.
I had a small group of friends…and my best friend at the time was Christy (not her real name). By the time I was in 9th grade one of our mutual friends started to really change…and was influenced in a negative way, and she told people not to come to my birthday party. A lot of other people listened to her. I got the strong impression that she was trying to take people away from me as friends. Ever since 7th grade, me and several other people always used to sit together in the cafeteria before our first class. There were three places we could sit…in the auditorium, in the cafeteria, and in a gym. We had sat together at the same table in the cafeteria for every day since the year before. All of a sudden no one came…I was left alone at that table. At first I thought it was because other people's buses were late. So…I decided to look out into the hallway as people were coming inside from their buses, and there Christy and Tina (not her real name either) were, and they walked straight for the auditorium. They did not even glance at the cafeteria. Then I knew that they were going somewhere else…and that's the reason. No one bothered to tell me that they had decided to go to the auditorium. It had been going on for a couple weeks, and it was right before my birthday.
Then I found out that Tina had told everyone not to come to my birthday party, and that people were listening to her. Christy was going to be one of the two people who were going to come to my party….she had told me she was going to come.
The day of the party came….and no one had come. I decided to call her up and find out what had happened. I thought maybe something had happened in her family or something. I called….it was like half an hour or an hour into when the party was supposed to have started…and she answered the phone…she was like, "Oh, I decided not to come."
The other person who said she was coming did come, but she could only be there for a couple of hours. It was supposed to be a sleepover party, but she couldn't spend the night, and no one else came.
Another incident….after lunch one day – well to set this up, everyone who was done eating lunch had to go to the auditorium….so everyone did. I ate with Christy and Tina, as usual. Well…Tina had to go do something…so she invited Christy to come with her. She didn't say anything to me. However, I went along with them because I didn't want to sit there by myself. They were going to leave me by myself.
A teacher came along and asked us what we were doing. Tina explained herself and then said, "I invited Christy to come along, but not HER." (she pointed to me). I got into trouble…I got yelled at and I was told to go back to the auditorium…so I did.
At that point it was very clear to me that Tina was trying to take Christy away from me as a friend…so I confronted her about it. I wrote her a letter and told her how I felt, and how I did not feel that she was treating me right.
That completely broke my friendship with her….she turned on me…both she and Christy…and all the friends I had at that time. I had to sit by myself at lunch. I lost all my friends for a period of time. When I walked by the table that my former friends had sat at, because I had to walk by their table in order to dump my tray, they would laugh at me…Tina called me the word for a female dog (but she used the real word for it). I remember looking at everyone's face that was at that table, and they were all laughing at Tina's comment.
Sometimes I tried sitting with other people…but I always felt like an inconvenience….like they didn't really want me…like I wasn't welcome. I felt like I was a bother to them…so I sat by myself most of the time. No one invited me to sit with them.
In high school…in 10th grade I sat with Stacey (not her real name) and a couple other girls….but that was only for the first semester. Their schedules changed, and our lunch times changed. They no longer ate lunch the same period. Stacey started changing too….and by the next year when we DID have the same lunch period, she didn't really want to sit with me. Every once in a while I would ask her if we could eat together sometime…just to catch up and find out what had been going on in each other's lives. She would always give me the same answer, "another time." We never ate together again throughout 11th or 12th grade.
You see, junior high and high school were all about popularity. I wasn't popular, so I was nothing to most people. I didn't care about the latest fashions, I didn't try to fit in and be like everyone else…I didn't go out and get drunk…I didn't throw myself at the guys. I cared about my school work, and I studied. I did well in school. Most people considered me a geek or nerd or dork or whatever. Some people were mean because they knew they could be mean to me…they knew that no one would stand up for me and that I couldn't fight back….or they did it because it was popular to be mean to certain people…it improved their own social status. I had a bad reputation…my reputation was that they knew that I was a nice girl who didn't fit in. Other people might have been mean because they were jealous of me. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink….I didn't care about popularity, and yet I was still happy….and they were jealous of that. I had faith in Christ too, which I don't know whether they knew or not. I didn't have sex with guys either.
In 10th grade things began getting a little better…only slightly. People still were mean to me, but the way people were mean differed. Twice my house got toilet papered….and the second time was worse. People wrote on my driveway, "Hoe, nasty hoe." Even though we got that off….it used to show up every time it rained for a while.
I had a few friends….but none of them were as close as Christy had been…plus a lot of the friends I did have didn't really want to be seen with me too much, because if they were seen with me, people would know that they were my friend…and it would hurt their own reputation in the school….this was especially true for guy friends. People would think that the guy was my boyfriend or something…and then he would totally lose any social standing whatsoever with the other people at school.
Don't get me wrong…there were some nice people that I went to school with too…but I never got to know them very well. I had been hurt very deeply on the inside….I was wounded internally, and I thought that the only way I would stop hurting was if I had a boyfriend who could understand me. I thought that until that happened, I'd always hurt.
However, I never had a boyfriend…never went on a date….nothing….and looking back on it, it was much better that way….because I would have relied on the guy to meet all my emotional needs. That would not have been good.
Besides 5th grade….let me tell you about the guy area of my life. Ever since I was saved (which was when I was in preschool), I have always had a strong desire to be in a relationship with a guy…to be married someday. There was hardly ever a time when I did not have a crush on a guy.
You know what happened with the guy that I liked in 5th grade. Well after Brad, I decided that I would not like a guy unless I knew what their personality was like. I would have to know something about them and how they treated other people. In 6th grade I liked a guy. He was really nice to me, and he was smart too. He may have liked me…but we were too young to date. At any rate, we had a 6th grade dance…at that dance his friends paid him to dance with me. I don't know if that was because they knew he liked me and he was afraid of it, or if they did it as kind of a "I'll pay you to dance with that GIRL.." kind of thing. In class when we were picking seats, he and I were supposed to sit next to each other and they pointed that out, and someone in class said, "(The guy) would like that." That's the reason I have to believe that he may have liked me.
In junior high I liked another guy. He was in my science class….and he was a really fun guy. It is possible that he may have liked me as well. I don't know. Someone came up to us one time in class and asked him, "so are you two going out yet…." That's the reason I suspect he might have liked me. He forced me to tell me who I liked….I was hesitate about it because of what had happened in 5th grade. I told him that…I told him how I was treated in 5th grade. He made the comment, "that was in 5th grade…who do you like?" It was his birthday…and I had always wanted a guy to tell me something special on my birthday, so I decided to give him something special on his…and his words convinced me he wouldn't laugh at me….so I told him that I liked him. After that, he and his friends were really mean to me. They would call me names, and he wrote me a disgusting letter in my locker.
That pretty much made me afraid to talk to any guy for a while. In 9th grade I liked a different guy. I also have reason to believe that he may have liked me back…because one time I came into class and he called me "Leia from SW," and he seemed to be interested in me. His friends encouraged him…they said something like, "if you don't take her, I will." Another friend in class asked me if I was single…and said that the guy was single…and he reacted like…."stop it…" However, I was scared to talk to him…I was scared he would treat me in the same way that other guys had.
That was the last time that I have had any reason to believe that anyone who I liked may have liked me in return. After him….and I'm not sure what it was that made me stop liking him…I think it was because I overheard him talk about smoking and stuff….and that turned me off from him.
After him, I liked yet another guy (I'm purposefully not giving out their names). He never felt the same way about me…and he was the first one that I liked a lot and really, really hoped that I would be in a relationship with. He was nice to me, and it is because of him that I got ICQ. He introduced me to it. (and it is because of ICQ that I started using orkut…a friend on ICQ invited me to her orkut community, and that's how I ended up on orkut. Someone else on ICQ suggested that I try My Space, and that's how I ended up here)
Well, the guy that I had liked from my science class and his friends used to also call me up on the phone…in 8th and 9th grade….and some of them used to play with my heart. They wrote me fake love notes….and although I knew that the love notes were fake, somehow, I hoped that there might be some truth to them. To be treasured and valued by a guy…..I longed for that…to be thought of as beautiful….
They used to also send me some e-mails about it…e-mail was pretty new at the time, and we all had school e-mail addresses. I didn't have the Internet at home until partway through 9th grade. But anyway, these guys used to send me "love" e-mails…and it did make me feel loved sometimes. They did it as a joke, though, and I also knew that.
Once, before a dance, a guy called me up and said very nice things to me…he pretended to be in love with me…and although in the back of my mind I thought it might be a joke from them, I still hoped that it was true. I'm a romantic…and I've always dreamed that a guy would call me and want to dance with me. When I got there, there was no one. I was by myself most of the time. The guy who had called me, when he saw me, he laughed in my face.
This was the guys' idea of entertainment….at my expense.
In 10th grade, I liked this yet another guy a lot. He was really good looking, and he was nice to me. When he found out I liked him, he didn't push me away, but he was willing to be my friend. He was happy to dance with me at the dances, and he didn't care what other people thought. He never felt the same way about me, but he was nice…and because of his reaction, I felt I could talk to guys again. Finally, I started to get the idea that nice guys did exist in the world.
In 11th grade I still liked him….but I eventually stopped liking him. He remained my friend even though he knew that I had liked him and that he did not like me back.
I really, really liked him, and I had convinced myself that he was the right guy for me…just because he was so nice to me. I didn't think that there could be any other guys out there that would be better.
In 12th grade I kind of liked someone….but it wasn't a huge crush. I didn't know him that well….. I tried to talk to him, he responded, but he never ever seemed to start up a conversation of his own. He was a huge Star Wars fan, like me.
Well, then I went off to college….my freshman year I liked a total different guy. He also was very nice to me…he actually listened to me and seemed to share as well. I was convinced he was the right guy for me too….because I didn't think I could do any better. He listened to me and he was my friend…
I wasn't sure that he liked me back….but one of my friends in college convinced me she was 100% sure that he liked me…until she said that, I didn't dare to hope. So I was SURE that he liked me back….so when one night he called me on the phone and said he wanted to talk, I thought that he would declare his feelings for me. I was excited…and I couldn't wait.
I rushed down to the place where we were to meet…we went for a little walk….and he stopped and asked me if there was anything that I had to say to him. I told him that I liked him. He told me that he had heard that…and that he wanted to clear things up…he felt it was important. He told me that he did not feel the same way….and that upset me because I had set my hopes on his liking me back.
I didn't give up though…I thought…well maybe we'll just be friends and the friendship will build into a love relationship. Well a couple weeks later there was a play, and he was in the play. My friend invited me to come, so I did…the only reason I came was to see him act.
After the play was over, I was hoping to run up to him and give him a hug….well….so I waited for the actors to come out. He eventually came out, but he was not alone. There was a girl with him. I had known that another girl liked him, but I didn't know they were going out. No one warned me, although several people knew I liked him.
Well….I found out rather suddenly….they kissed right in the open…and then I knew…and that really upset me. I left crying. I went back to my room and started crying and praying, and God spoke to me about this…
Before I continue, let me back up to some other times when God had spoken about the relationship area of my life. When I was in 7th grade I had liked this guy…I didn't mention it because it wasn't a huge deal. I heard him approach another girl and ask her out. That upset me a little, but not a whole lot….people weren't generally that serious about relationships back in 7th grade. After I went back to my seat though, I felt as if God were saying to me, "I'm saving someone special for you…the first person you actually date will be the person you will be with…" something to that effect. It's something I've always had a feeling about.
The second time God spoke to me about this area of my life was just after I had found out there was no longer any chance with the nice guy from high school. I was walking to class, and once again God spoke to me….I felt as if He was saying, "I'm saving something very special for you…this is a gift I'm giving you…I have someone better for you…" (I took that to mean that the guy God had chosen for me was going to be better for me, not necesarily a better person.)
Well, now…in my room just after I had learned that Matt did not like me back, and that he was going out with someone, God spoke to me again. In the midst of my praying and crying, the little line, "good things come to those who wait and those who believe in what is to come…" popped into my head, and I felt like hanging it in my room. I was crying, asking, "why do I always like the wrong guy…." God's answer was something like this, "It's because you have been relying on yourself, and you haven't been allowing Me to choose for you. I know you…I made you. I have someone special for you, but you have to let Me choose for you."
So in that moment I decided that I would not like another guy unless it was something from God. I didn't want to rely on myself, because every time I did, I had been wrong…I choose the wrong kinds of people for myself, and if I was going to continue doing that, I would continue getting hurt.
This didn't mean that I stopped struggling with it though, but I did try to give that area of my life over to God. I still longed to have a guy in my life, though.
At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I was a resident assistant, and we had a special cookout at the nature center. There were trails there….and I went for a walk with several other people. During the walk I was really longing to be with a guy…to share it with a guy. It made me upset….my longing for a guy in my life.
Some people had left, but a couple of people were still there. Among them was a guy and Tami. Both of them were Christian, and they asked me what was wrong. I told them. They hugged me…and Tami said that I could borrow a book from her called When God Writes Your Love Story. I borrowed it from her…and it was amazing. It totally encouraged me, and I saw that God actually could do what I wanted Him to do in my life….bring me a guy.
Still, though I continued to struggle. It used to hurt me every time I saw a couple together holding hands and whatnot. Over Christmas break, my sister, who had a boyfriend at the time, invited him over to watch a movie. I saw them cuddling together, and I saw her with her group of friends….things that I did not have…and I started crying. I wanted both so badly. I basically cried out to God and told Him I wanted both. I also told Him that I didn't know any guys like the kind of guy I wanted.
Suddenly I realized that I liked the nice Christian guy…I didn't really know him very well, but he was extremely kind…one of the things I really wanted in a guy…and he had comforted me a couple times….and the way I met him was that I had been sitting by myself at lunch and he and his friend sat down with me because they didn't want me alone. He had kind of rescued me…LOL…and at the Bible study Christmas celebration, I had sat in a corner because I didn't feel like I deserved to be there….I hadn't gone to Bible study very much…and he came over to me and extended his hand to me and pulled me up. He told me that it didn't matter that I hadn't been coming, and he walked me over to a bench and sat me down, and he sat next to me….I had been completely blind to my feelings for him and what a nice guy he was.
However, I mistook my feelings for him…I thought that God was telling me he was the right guy for me….instead God was answering the other part of my prayer…as well as helping with the guy area.
When we got back from Christmas break, I wanted to tell this nice guy that I liked him….but I decided that instead I would thank him for his friendship to me. I invited him over to my room and sat him down and thanked him for being so kind to me.
We got into a long conversation, and we ended up watching Pride and Prejudice together, and he helped me put together a bulletin board. He also called me that week and invited me to go to dinner and eat with him and his friends. During break, I had also decided to go to Bible study more…not because of the nice guy, but because I knew I needed to, and that God wanted me to.
My friendship with this nice guy started then….and although I really, really liked him and was convinced he was the right guy for me….he was just meant to be my really good friend….and to help prepare me for my future husband…he was the right TYPE of guy, though, and I knew that.
He was an awesome Christian friend too, and he encouraged me and assured me that I was God's princess…bought with Jesus' blood. He treated me with respect…and as a sister in Christ. I had never really been treated like that by a guy before.
He also invited me to hang out with him and his friends on the weekends…and I knew he accepted me as an equal…he didn't look down on me like so many other people did. He was just the kind of guy I needed for a friend, and I am much better for it.
Throughout my college years I continued to grow in my relationship with God….Jesus Christ really did become my first love. God began healing me…..I had thought that only a guy could help me feel better….but I learned that I needed to rely on God to do that, because only He could satisfy my every need. Only He could truly comfort me. And He did….when my grandfather died before my junior year of college….yes it upset me when he died…and I had always wondered what I would do if someone close to me died and I didn't have a boyfriend…other girls had their boyfriends to hold them and be with them…but I didn't……well….I found out that the Holy Spirit was more than capable of comforting me completely….because He did. I didn't really grieve very much, because I trusted in God…and I was comforted by the Holy Spirit.
I learned to rely more and more on the Holy Spirit in college….I went on three trips to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Florida with Campus Crusade over spring break…..those were awesome times! I also went to two Christmas Conferences, which I also learned and grew a lot from.
Now….after all of this, I've been out of college for two years….I'm in graduate school now, and I still do not have a boyfriend, and I still have never been on a date…but you know what, it's all right. God has promised me several times (and I didn't include them all) that He has someone special for me….
My whole focus on relationships is different than it used to be. I used to want a guy because I wanted him to comfort me and I wanted to talk to him…and to have a relationship. Don't get me wrong…that's still a part of it, but that's not my main focus. What I want out of a relationship now is that my relationship would glorify God. I want to grow in my faith, and I want to grow with someone…I want to serve God with another person…
I know that God's in control of my life…and although sometimes it's hard to trust something that logically would not make sense (me being in a relationship – I've never had any relationship experience…logic would say that a guy wouldn't want me), I believe that all things are possible with God, despite what people have constantly told me about never finding a guy.
Now…with all that has happened to me in my past….I do not think that God delights in our struggles….but that He allows them to happen so that we can be made stronger…..He allows Satan to mess with us….but in the end it only makes us stronger for God…and it glorifies Him. I have an amazing testimony, and I have a level of faith that most people do not have because of it.
When I was in junior high or high school…I don't know what year it was…I remember sitting on the bus. My friend turned to me…he knew how people treated me, and he asked me if I had ever thought of killing myself or anything. I turned to him and I told him this: "No. Things might be bad right now, but I know that God has a plan for my life. If I killed myself, then God couldn't use me. I know this isn't all that God has for me…things won't always stay like this."
To that I hold…..
As for my college friend…well, he was a really awesome guy, but since he didn't like me back, that means that God has someone even better for me than him. I don't know when God will bring him (my future husband) into my life…but I know that He will some day. My college friend was nice, but God has someone just for me, and it's not my college friend.
God's not done healing me…but I've come a long way.
If I wasn't a failure, then neither are you. God has a plan for your life too….even though sometimes it's hard to trust Him…..He loves you.
I can look back at every guy that I've liked so far and I can honestly say that God was wiser than me. He knew that they were not the right guys for me, and now I can see that too. I would have just been more hurt had I been in a relationship with them.
Believe me…I understand about wanting to share the depths of your heart with someone. I know this might be hard to hear, but we have to be content with just Jesus until God brings the right guy into our lives. It's not easy…not at all. Singleness is a hard life.
One thing I've learned about being single for so long is that this is a gift from Him…it's our time period to really grow close to Him so that He really is our first love. I admit that He wasn't always my first love. I used to desire guys above my desire for Him.
Another thing I have learned is that I need to guard my heart. I can't just let it be given away to any guy…but I want to save it for my husband.
As for success in career….I know this is really tough for us to take a hold of too…but remember what Jesus said. He said that God would provide for us whatever we needed, and not to worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own. He'll provide somehow, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Ask God for strength…how to get through this period of time.
Ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you and empower you to get through it….
If you're an emotional fool, then so am I….but Jesus' grace is sufficient. I know that I could not have gotten through school without Him.
Yes….God does know that we get hurt when we see the guy we like with another girl…it hurt me a lot when the the nice guy from college had a couple girlfriends…seeing them together all the time…but until I was able to feel happy for him, and surrender the situation to God, I wasn't able to let go…I even had to ask his girlfriends for forgiveness….because I had had bad feelings…I had wished that they would not have a successful relationship and I had been jealous of them. I had to ask for their forgiveness for it.
I guess here's the thing….which do you love more…God or the guy? You have to be honest with yourself….it's something we constantly have to watch. If you love the guy more than God, that's a huge problem. Would you still be okay if you never see the guy again?
As for losing the other guy over your relationship with Jesus Christ…let me tell you that I know God is proud of you for that. This too may be hard to hear…but Christians should only be in marriages with other Christians. If he wasn't a Christian, it's better that you broke up.
Let me tell you something else too…Satan loves to attack this area of our lives. Satan hates us and he loves to make us feel bad about ourselves. That's his goal. He wants to destroy our lives. Some of what you're experiencing may also be spiritual warfare…lies that Satan is feeding you.
For example, for me I used to think I was the ugliest girl ever because no guy asked me out, I thought I was subhuman, that no one would ever want to be my friend…that I was nothing…..these were all lies that Satan was feeding me
On eveanglism
As an elementary student, I remember singing the songs that I had learned in children's choir at my church, in hopes that other kids would hear them. I remember going to church and hoping that someone at church who didn't know about Jesus would learn about Him. I would imagine that.
It's a passion that God placed deep within me when I got saved, even though I didn't fully understand the message of the cross, and even though I had so much to learn about a closer relationship with Him.
Well, during my senior year of high school, I went to this thing called Niagara 2000, which was sponsored by Youth for Christ. It was really awesome, there were about 6,000 students from all over the United States, and we were gathered there to worship God. There were speakers, contemporary worship (first time I had really been exposed to it), and just awesome presentations.
During this conference, someone spoke about Cross Evangelism Training - Niagara 2000, the whole focus was kind of on evangelism. I was convicted, and felt that I needed to actually take the Gospel Message to people at my school. I don't know if people at school knew I was a Christian, because I never talked about my love for Jesus Christ, at least with most people. I never brought a Bible to school (I went to a public school, so you wouldn't think to do that anyway), but just to hear the testimony, "I wish someone shared with me about Jesus when I was in math class," and "if only other students had brought Bible's to class, just to have it on their desks."
Later, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit and I finally understood what real worship was. I remember sitting there thinking, "This is what worship is supposed to be like" it was a meeting with God, it was totally surrendering to Him and glorifying Him, not just singing words, as I had been accustomed to thinking of it as. I also understood the gospel message better than I had ever before (no one really talked about it at the church I grew up in.) It was a realization like, "wow…He loves me, and He died for me."
So from then on, I had a renewed passion to witness to people, more than I had before. I really wanted to take part in the evangelism outreach at Niagara 2000, but only a limited amount of people got to go. I never let go of that passion.
When I got back to school, I wanted to make a difference for Christ. I started bringing my Bible to school, and I started talking about my experience at Niagara more and more. I had talked with a few people about my faith before, but this was like at a whole different level.
Then when I started attending college, I joined Campus Crusade for Christ. Over spring break I went to something called Big Break. I did this for three years, sophomore, junior, and senior years of college. Big Break was very similar to Niagara, except the whole focus of it was on evangelism. We gathered together for worship, we had speakers that spoke about a specific topic, and another speaker who would give us encouragement about reaching people for Christ. Each day, we were told to go out onto the Panama City Beach in Florida and witness to people. It was awesome, we took several hours out of every day to do this. And through that experience, I learned about what obedience to the Holy Spirit is, and learned to trust Him and rely on Him. Each of the three years He taught me something different, and I grew more and more.
I also went to the Indy Christmas Conference, which was also through Campus Crusade, and I attended this for two years. Again, there were speakers and awesome worship, but the focus was a little different. The first year the topic was having a thirst for God, and the second year the theme was He Is. We had a day of outreach with that (and again God showed me different things both years), and we also had a day when we could pick whatever sessions we wanted to go to.
Well, the second year I went, there was a topic called "Witnessing to Jehovah's Witnesses." I felt an urge from the Holy Spirit to attend that session. I didn't know why, because I didn't know any Jehovah's Witnesses, but it was really strong, and I knew it was from God. So, I obeyed, and I went to it. Up to that point, I hadn't really been involved in witnessing to different groups of people, only to people who didn't really believe in God at all. So this was really strange for me.
So I attended the session, not knowing very much about Jehovah's Witnesses except that one of my Sunday School teachers had said they were not Christian. This guy spoke whose father had been a Jehovah's Witness, but upon reading through the book of Colossians in the their bible, he realized that they were wrong, and so his son started this ministry to them. I learned the basic beliefs of the Jehovah's Witness, but more importantly, the speaker gave us his website:
EadsHome Ministries
I looked at it a little bit, but didn't really do a whole lot with it. Then either later that day or the next day we had our day of outreach. Well, we were to give food to poor people in Indy, and we were given a specific street to do, and while doing this, we were to share the Gospel Message. Well not very many people were home, and as we were walking, I felt that strong urge from the Holy Spirit again, and He was telling me that we needed to go to this grey house that bordered the street we were on.
I told my group that I was feeling that God really wanted us to go to that house. They accepted that, and we went to that house. The lady that lived there was home, and so we started talking, and it turns out that she didn't really have a church, but had been attending a Jehovah's Witness congregation a couple times. She really wasn't strong in a belief about anything. Wow, that was awesome. I used the stuff that I had learned in the session about the Jehovah's Witness and was able to counter some Jehovah's Witness teaching in a very limited way, and shared with her the hope of heaven that all people who believe in Jesus have. I gave her one of the booklets we had, and walked through that with her. She was kind of unsure about everything.
Then that summer, when I went to Big Break 2003, I encountered an older couple, they were both Jehovah's Witness, and then she started talking to me about Jehovah's Witness beliefs. I hadn't really looked at the Jehovah's Witness stuff since Christmas Conference, but I remembered some of the stuff, and some of the arguments I could use. But I didn't actually have much of a chance to tell her what I thought about everything. She did most of the talking. Therefore, I didn't feel satisfied with my conversation and I needed time to look up certain verses in the Bible. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught to witness to people using their beliefs. We Christians are not taught to defend our beliefs against Jehovah's Witnesses, so they have an advantage. I felt compelled to write her a letter after looking things up in my Bible to present a case for my own beliefs. I don't have a copy of that letter now, because I hand wrote it, but as I was writing it, I prayed and asked God that if He wanted me to give the letter to her, that He would help me find her the next day so that I could give it to her. I hadn't set up a meeting time or place with her. Well, I wrote it, then took it with me the next day when I went out on the beach. I started walking, and I found her! biggrin
Then I graduated from college, and that summer a Jehovah's Witness who had graduated from high school with me knocked on my door. After the encounter in Florida, I had begun to have a passion for witnessing to Jehovah's Witnesses. Well, Jenifer (not her real name) came over the first time while I was unavailable. My parents talked to her, though, and told me that Jenifer and another Jehovah's Witness had stopped by. I was disappointed that I had missed her, but it gave me a chance to go to the EadsHome Ministries website. I went there and printed off a bunch of stuff. The website was very useful. She told my parents she would probably come back again in a week or so. So I got ready.
Well she returned and she and I talked. We talked about once a week for several months. I not only read the website, but I started reading other books about Jehovah's Witnesses, and how I could witness to them, as well as what they really believed. As I was doing this I began to REALLY have a passion for them. God laid them on my heart. Jenifer and I discussed several topics, among them was the Trinity. Before that point, I had never really examined why I believed in the Trinity as far as Scripturally and with reason. Talking to a Jahovah's Witness about this stuff forced me to do this. I began with the stuff from the EadsHome Ministries website and the books I had read on Jehovah's Witnesses, but then God began showing me stuff about the Trinity Himself, and I began to understand better at a different level than I ever had before.
Before, I believed in the Trinity and Jesus' Deity because I just knew the beliefs were right, just through my personal relationship with God, but with what happened as a result of talking with Jenifer, I have more of a reason than that, I have thought about it and I have examined Scripture and allowed God to speak to me about it. So now my understanding on these matters is even at a deeper level, and I have more of a base to argue from and to witness from. It also strengthens my own faith and glorifies God.
It's just really cool.
But since that time, He has placed me in contact with other Jehovah's Witnesses
So throughout all of this, God has given me a passion for not only reaching the people who do not consider God or believe in Him at all, but also for people who are in other religions, or who are in cults (like Jehovah's Witnesses).
I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes me next.
More on Big Break and my experiences through it
Big Break 2003
This was the first Big Break trip I went on. I really had wanted to go…because of my passion for witnessing to people, but I had never actually gone up to total strangers and shared my faith with them face to face. I was really excited!
The first day we got there, we had the opportunity to pass out bottles of water to people on the beach. Several people from my Campus Crusade group were with me, and we were going to go as a big group and just pass out water. We weren't looking to get involved in a conversation…which was to my disappointment. But I went with the group, and I was among the last in the group….and a big drunk guy saw me and asked for water. I had a bottle, so I stopped and gave it to him. The rest of the group kept on going. He started talking to me, and we got into a conversation about God. I wasn't scared at all (and I know that was totally the Holy Spirit), and another girl from a different group joined me, and we both were talking to this guy.
It was really awesome…and I found out later that it was a big encouragement to the others in my group, because they stopped to see where I was, and they saw me talking to this guy…and I'm pretty small.
I loved being able to talk to that guy. At that point in time, I didn't know the Bible as well as I know it now, so I couldn't really give him Bible passages as part of my argument, but the girl that came up alongside me used some Scripture. I couldn't help but feel like I was lacking in knowledge of the Bible, but at the same time I knew that God would enable me to speak the truth.
We had our first session that night, and after it was over, we were to go out in small groups and go up and down the strip of Panama City Beach, Florida and just pray for the people. This strip was scary….it was at night, and there were people driving up and down the strip blaring their music, and there were people drinking and smoking all along the way. Our directions were specific…we were to go to the strip.
I went with a group…maybe somewhere between 8 and 10 people…and as we were walking and praying…I was scared out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes, I was afraid someone was going to run into us with a car, or kill us, or that something was going to happen to me. However, I decided to put my trust in God, though I was still a little scared.
Well as we were praying, random people started coming up to us. They WANTED to talk about God, they wanted to know what we were doing, or they just wanted to talk. Seriously, we would be huddled in a group, praying, and someone would come up to us. The speakers at Big Break called things like this Divine Appointments. Each time someone talked to us, it was a divine appointment. It was just so awesome to see God work like that.
And the trust that I developed from trusting in God…that despite being afraid, that I still trusted that God wouldn't let anything happen to us….well you might get a glimpse of the level of trust and what this night of prayer on the strip did for me when you read my Big Break 2004 experience.
As for actual witnessing on the beach….well we went in partners, originally with the same sex. This was before they assigned groups to different parts of the beach…..but most of the people we came in contact with had already been talked to. That was disappointing to me…I mean it was good they were talked to…but I really wanted to be a part of what God was doing.
Also, since it was my first year, and I was completely inexperienced in witnessing, I had to go with one of the Campus Crusade staff for the first three or four days of witnessing. Therefore, I really wasn't the one to choose who to talk with.
The speakers and the worship was awesome!
One song that we sang…and I can't find it anywhere on a CD is this: (it's called One Name. I can't find even the lyrics anywhere, so I'm just going to have to go from memory)
"There is one name under heaven whereby we might be saved. Forgive of our sins, washed in the water. Free, I'm really free my friend, freed by the blood of the Lamb. God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna turn this whole world upside down."
We sang that song like every day, and it was awesome. But anyway, God really convicted me of some things with the speakers, and I learned a lot from them. One thing that I really remember is that they asked us to pray for compassion. I did…and my outlook of the whole drunk people on the beach changed…..before I thought …."oh they're a bunch of drunkards," and I really was disgusted by them and looked down on them. The Holy Spirit convicted me of those thoughts, and He began to show me how hurt those people were, and how much they were in need of salvation.
Well, after finding people that had already been talked to for the first few days of witnessing, we decided to go to a different part of the beach. Throughout the week we had been encouraged to pray for the people's hearts that we would be talking to, and were reminded time and time again that this whole thing wasn't about us…it's about God. We're not the ones who change hearts…only God is, but we can plant seeds.
So everyday that we were on the beach, as we were walking, I always prayed for God to change people's hearts…I cried out to Him, and I asked for strength, courage, and guidance. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me and I told Him that I would trust Him.
Well, when we went to this other part of the beach…there were a lot more clubs there…Club LaVela…might have spelled that wrong…was a big party spot, and it was to this area that we went that day.
Before I had left for our trip, our Bible study group leader, who had gone to Big Break the year before, had told us that we could be a witness in like picking up trash and whatever, and if anyone asked, we could say, "Jesus told me to."
Well our big group got split up, and while we were "done" for the day…again, no such luck talking with people. Most had already been talked with. My partner and I sat down and waited for another small group to get back. They had been held up. I didn't just want to sit there, though.
I realized I hadn't given out any of the free CD's that we had been given to hand out to people, so I opened my bag and approached a random person and asked him if he wanted a CD. He said, "sure." I gave it to him. As soon as he found out it was Christian, he took it and he threw it….and the cover broke. He did not want to talk. (That was the only person that I encountered who responded like that the whole time, and it didn't stop me from wanting to witness.)
Well, I saw there was a whole bunch of trash on the ground, and so I remembered what was said before the trip, and so I started picking it up and taking it to a trash can. There were lots of trash cans there on the beach. There were a couple guys throwing a football back and forth around the location of that trash can. The guy nearest the can noticed me. After several times of going there, he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was picking up trash on the beach, and I told him why I was in Florida…that we were there to share Jesus with people on the beach. He was interested, and asked me a couple questions. At that point in my witnessing life, I hadn't really tried to explain the Gospel Message outside of the "Know God Personally" booklet, and he was the first person I had really talked with anyway. He was still throwing the football, so I couldn't really sit down and go through the booklet with him…however I gave it to him and told him to read it. We probably said a couple other words…I don't remember what else, and then he promised me that he would read the booklet.
I went back to where everyone was. I went off to go look at something. While I was gone, he came up to the other people in our group and told them that "their friend had talked to me and that he was going to read the booklet." When I came back, they told me that he said that, and I was just like, "wow…look at what you are doing, God! Thank you so much for using me in this."
I loved that feeling…and it made me want to witness more and to praise God.
Those were the most significant things that happened with Big Break 2003. I learned to rely on God in a total different way, and to trust that the Holy Spirit would lead me, change hearts, and could use me. I got so much out of that experience that I wanted to come back the next year….and I did.
I originally posted this on another website, and it has been a couple of years since I wrote it. I could add more to it now.
My parents took me to a Christian preschool, and while I was there, I remember the teachers brought us into a big room…I don't remember if it was after the opening or what, and I do not remember how often they opened this opportunity up, but I remember a teacher asking us if we wanted to ask Jesus Christ into our hearts.
Although, at that age I didn't fully understand what that meant, it was something I really desired. I didn't know why…I just wanted Him in my heart. And when the teachers opened this up to us, I remember I was scared, yet there was also a very strong desire to accept Jesus into my heart. I remember fighting between the fear and the desire, and this desire, I believe was the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart.
Finally, the desire to ask Him into my life won over the fear, and I said I wanted to receive Jesus. So, I was taken into another room, and there must have been someone else there…a teacher or something, who led me in prayer…I don't remember the exact details…all I remember is confessing Him as Lord and Savior and wanting Him in my life….asking Him.
And I also remember something happened, and I know I was changed forever by it. I remember there being some kind of bright light, and there must have been an experience of the Holy Spirit coming into my life….because I remember something happening very distinctly, and also I believe that God spoke to me in that moment.
It was weird...it was so long ago, and yet I still remember some of the feelings and the event itself.
I know that although I was like 4 or 5, that that was when I became a Christian. Even though I didn't understand everything…He was in my life. And I am so thankful that I was saved at such an early age, because the church I grew up in never mentioned a personal relationship with God. There was only one time when receiving Jesus was even discussed in my church (that I can remember), and it was with a video…and I found out much later that people in my church got really upset over that. Some people were actually offended by it!
I went to church almost every Sunday with my parents, and Sunday School too…but there really was no saving message that was presented at that church. And I know a lot of other churches are like this as well…and it saddens me. It is partly for this reason that I have a passion for people in churches to not be ignorant about what the Bible says. Many churches are spiritually dead these days.
Growing up, I didn't know a whole lot about the Holy Spirit…He was just part of a song we sang when taking up the offering. No one I knew was on fire for the Lord. No one talked about what God had done in their life. Faith was a private matter. My church was more of a social club than it was a place to learn about God and to grow in relationship with Jesus Christ. People didn't come to worship God…there was no adoration for Him.
But despite this environment, God was still a part of my life, and I had a trust in Him. And I grew a little bit in my relationship with Him….though I didn't REALLY start growing in that relationship until high school.
If I hadn't been saved when I was, I don't know what would have become of me. All the other people who went through confirmation class with me….I have no idea where they are at now. Most of them do not attend church anymore, and I had not seen them in church for a long time. Several of them had children outside of marriage and got into other problems.
I am so thankful to God that He was there…and I know that it was only by His grace. Honestly, He is what got me through elementary, junior high, and high school. I do not know where I'd be today if He hadn't been in my life the whole time. Other kids made fun of me horribly –the way I dressed (I didn't care about fashion…I didn't have to have the latest in fashion), they considered me a geek/nerd (I actually cared about school work), I was never popular, and they knew they could be mean to me and get away with it. Thinking about these things now…..I was treated pretty badly.
Other people noticed how I was treated as well, and my friend Mark turned to me on the bus one day and asked me if I ever had considered killing myself because of how I was treated. I looked at him through tears and I told him, "No, I could never kill myself. I know God has a plan for my life, and I know that things won't always stay like this. I believe that He has bigger plans for me."
That's not to say that I wasn't emotionally wounded by how other people treated me. I was very hurt. It has taken a long time for God to heal me of all of those wounds…it has been a process. I held them to myself for so long because I didn't realize that I could give them to Him and that I could look to Him for comfort. Even though I had faith, there was so much I didn't know. I didn't know who I was in Him…in that I didn't know that I was precious in His sight. I felt really bad about myself, and saw myself as less than a person…because that's how other people my age treated me. God has brought me a long way since then, but I'm sure He also still has much work to do on me yet.
I can't imagine what would have happened had I not had faith. I might have gotten into drugs, or given my body to guys, or killed myself….any one of those things could have happened. But it was by God's grace that He came into my life when He did…and has been by His grace that He has sustained me.
A Focus on my life with peers in school
(Part of a letter that I wrote someone else who was struggling with guy issues)
Growing up, I never had very many intimate friends either. I grew up in a "Christian" church, but the people there viewed church as more a country club than anything else. No one really talked about the gospel message much, or their personal relationship with Christ, plus there really wasn't anyone else my age at church.
At school, when I was going into 4th grade, my family moved, so that I had to change schools. At my new school, people already had their friends. They wanted nothing to do with me. To them, I was an outsider. (This is a general comment, not something that may apply to EVERYONE). The first thing comment I heard coming out of anyone's mouth was, "Who is THAT….she looks retarded.." The kid didn't talk to me, but he talked at me…talked about me to another person. That made me feel pretty bad.
Not to mention my sister and I were having problems. She too was mean to me…and my mom criticized me a lot. I don't think she meant to…I sometimes think that she was not real sure of herself, and so she criticized me because she wanted me to be perfect…she was trying to feel good about herself and give herself assurance. I didn't realize it at the time….it seemed like everywhere, from every source I couldn't measure up.
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The other girls at my school did not want me to join their Campfire group…people were pretty snotty there. There were only a few people who welcomed me…so almost immediately other kids made fun of me. Instead of getting better throughout elementary school, things got worse. I liked this guy, Brad….I liked him a lot. When I was in 5th grade he found out that I did, and as soon as he found out that I liked him, he turned on me and became very mean. At recess, he got his friends to go after me….they would throw stuff at me…like woodchips and small rocks. I had to hide from them. I cannot remember if it was Brad and his group of friends, or whether it was when I was in 6th grade, but there was a group of people that would come up to me and kick me. I had to hide.
So in 5th and 6th grade I hid in a corner at recess because I didn't want anyone to find me. In 6th grade, a different boy used to come up to me and kick me as well. Someone got in my desk and ripped up one of the pens that I had outside. I saw pieces of it on the ground. One time this other kid, Tim, came up to me and started kicking me in the shins until they blood. I had some blood on my socks.
I used to hate recess a lot. Like I said, I would hide in the corner and sit down…sometimes I would just cry….wanting recess to be over.
There was a girl who used to "play" with me at recess…but because I'm not very athletic, and because I've never been good at sports, she just used the "play" to really beat me. She had fun beating me…..we used to play teather ball. At least it was something, though. It was better than sitting by myself in a corner all the time.
In junior high things didn't really get better for me, though they were a little better, I think. Other kids still made fun of me pretty bad….but the environment of junior high was different. We switched classes for every subject, and I wasn't with the exact same group of kids the whole time.
Other girls in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade were pretty mean. They used to write notes about me in class….I know the contents of one of the letters because the teacher read it out loud in front of the entire class…and it was a big class…it was band. It made me feel pretty terrible. The other girls in the clarinet section were always making mean comments about me, and they were always talking about me. I heard what they were saying.
In study hall they used to pass fish stickers around and give them to me…it was a way of making fun of me. They used to call me "chunky fish." Others used to write notes directly to me…the notes were pretty nasty. They used to make pretty cutting comments about me.
In 8th grade the guys continued to be mean….in art class there was this one guy who came up to me and kicked me in the stomach. I had no defense…he knocked the wind out of me, and the teacher did nothing about it. The same guy would trap me by instrument cases in the band room and start kicking me. I got away from him a couple of times, but one time he trapped me so that I couldn't get away for a period of time. He also tried to trip me in art class, and laughed when he succeeded. I believe he also kicked my legs too..The other kids in class joined in the laughing. No one came to my defense.
I had a small group of friends…and my best friend at the time was Christy (not her real name). By the time I was in 9th grade one of our mutual friends started to really change…and was influenced in a negative way, and she told people not to come to my birthday party. A lot of other people listened to her. I got the strong impression that she was trying to take people away from me as friends. Ever since 7th grade, me and several other people always used to sit together in the cafeteria before our first class. There were three places we could sit…in the auditorium, in the cafeteria, and in a gym. We had sat together at the same table in the cafeteria for every day since the year before. All of a sudden no one came…I was left alone at that table. At first I thought it was because other people's buses were late. So…I decided to look out into the hallway as people were coming inside from their buses, and there Christy and Tina (not her real name either) were, and they walked straight for the auditorium. They did not even glance at the cafeteria. Then I knew that they were going somewhere else…and that's the reason. No one bothered to tell me that they had decided to go to the auditorium. It had been going on for a couple weeks, and it was right before my birthday.
Then I found out that Tina had told everyone not to come to my birthday party, and that people were listening to her. Christy was going to be one of the two people who were going to come to my party….she had told me she was going to come.
The day of the party came….and no one had come. I decided to call her up and find out what had happened. I thought maybe something had happened in her family or something. I called….it was like half an hour or an hour into when the party was supposed to have started…and she answered the phone…she was like, "Oh, I decided not to come."
The other person who said she was coming did come, but she could only be there for a couple of hours. It was supposed to be a sleepover party, but she couldn't spend the night, and no one else came.
Another incident….after lunch one day – well to set this up, everyone who was done eating lunch had to go to the auditorium….so everyone did. I ate with Christy and Tina, as usual. Well…Tina had to go do something…so she invited Christy to come with her. She didn't say anything to me. However, I went along with them because I didn't want to sit there by myself. They were going to leave me by myself.
A teacher came along and asked us what we were doing. Tina explained herself and then said, "I invited Christy to come along, but not HER." (she pointed to me). I got into trouble…I got yelled at and I was told to go back to the auditorium…so I did.
At that point it was very clear to me that Tina was trying to take Christy away from me as a friend…so I confronted her about it. I wrote her a letter and told her how I felt, and how I did not feel that she was treating me right.
That completely broke my friendship with her….she turned on me…both she and Christy…and all the friends I had at that time. I had to sit by myself at lunch. I lost all my friends for a period of time. When I walked by the table that my former friends had sat at, because I had to walk by their table in order to dump my tray, they would laugh at me…Tina called me the word for a female dog (but she used the real word for it). I remember looking at everyone's face that was at that table, and they were all laughing at Tina's comment.
Sometimes I tried sitting with other people…but I always felt like an inconvenience….like they didn't really want me…like I wasn't welcome. I felt like I was a bother to them…so I sat by myself most of the time. No one invited me to sit with them.
In high school…in 10th grade I sat with Stacey (not her real name) and a couple other girls….but that was only for the first semester. Their schedules changed, and our lunch times changed. They no longer ate lunch the same period. Stacey started changing too….and by the next year when we DID have the same lunch period, she didn't really want to sit with me. Every once in a while I would ask her if we could eat together sometime…just to catch up and find out what had been going on in each other's lives. She would always give me the same answer, "another time." We never ate together again throughout 11th or 12th grade.
You see, junior high and high school were all about popularity. I wasn't popular, so I was nothing to most people. I didn't care about the latest fashions, I didn't try to fit in and be like everyone else…I didn't go out and get drunk…I didn't throw myself at the guys. I cared about my school work, and I studied. I did well in school. Most people considered me a geek or nerd or dork or whatever. Some people were mean because they knew they could be mean to me…they knew that no one would stand up for me and that I couldn't fight back….or they did it because it was popular to be mean to certain people…it improved their own social status. I had a bad reputation…my reputation was that they knew that I was a nice girl who didn't fit in. Other people might have been mean because they were jealous of me. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink….I didn't care about popularity, and yet I was still happy….and they were jealous of that. I had faith in Christ too, which I don't know whether they knew or not. I didn't have sex with guys either.
In 10th grade things began getting a little better…only slightly. People still were mean to me, but the way people were mean differed. Twice my house got toilet papered….and the second time was worse. People wrote on my driveway, "Hoe, nasty hoe." Even though we got that off….it used to show up every time it rained for a while.
I had a few friends….but none of them were as close as Christy had been…plus a lot of the friends I did have didn't really want to be seen with me too much, because if they were seen with me, people would know that they were my friend…and it would hurt their own reputation in the school….this was especially true for guy friends. People would think that the guy was my boyfriend or something…and then he would totally lose any social standing whatsoever with the other people at school.
Don't get me wrong…there were some nice people that I went to school with too…but I never got to know them very well. I had been hurt very deeply on the inside….I was wounded internally, and I thought that the only way I would stop hurting was if I had a boyfriend who could understand me. I thought that until that happened, I'd always hurt.
However, I never had a boyfriend…never went on a date….nothing….and looking back on it, it was much better that way….because I would have relied on the guy to meet all my emotional needs. That would not have been good.
Besides 5th grade….let me tell you about the guy area of my life. Ever since I was saved (which was when I was in preschool), I have always had a strong desire to be in a relationship with a guy…to be married someday. There was hardly ever a time when I did not have a crush on a guy.
You know what happened with the guy that I liked in 5th grade. Well after Brad, I decided that I would not like a guy unless I knew what their personality was like. I would have to know something about them and how they treated other people. In 6th grade I liked a guy. He was really nice to me, and he was smart too. He may have liked me…but we were too young to date. At any rate, we had a 6th grade dance…at that dance his friends paid him to dance with me. I don't know if that was because they knew he liked me and he was afraid of it, or if they did it as kind of a "I'll pay you to dance with that GIRL.." kind of thing. In class when we were picking seats, he and I were supposed to sit next to each other and they pointed that out, and someone in class said, "(The guy) would like that." That's the reason I have to believe that he may have liked me.
In junior high I liked another guy. He was in my science class….and he was a really fun guy. It is possible that he may have liked me as well. I don't know. Someone came up to us one time in class and asked him, "so are you two going out yet…." That's the reason I suspect he might have liked me. He forced me to tell me who I liked….I was hesitate about it because of what had happened in 5th grade. I told him that…I told him how I was treated in 5th grade. He made the comment, "that was in 5th grade…who do you like?" It was his birthday…and I had always wanted a guy to tell me something special on my birthday, so I decided to give him something special on his…and his words convinced me he wouldn't laugh at me….so I told him that I liked him. After that, he and his friends were really mean to me. They would call me names, and he wrote me a disgusting letter in my locker.
That pretty much made me afraid to talk to any guy for a while. In 9th grade I liked a different guy. I also have reason to believe that he may have liked me back…because one time I came into class and he called me "Leia from SW," and he seemed to be interested in me. His friends encouraged him…they said something like, "if you don't take her, I will." Another friend in class asked me if I was single…and said that the guy was single…and he reacted like…."stop it…" However, I was scared to talk to him…I was scared he would treat me in the same way that other guys had.
That was the last time that I have had any reason to believe that anyone who I liked may have liked me in return. After him….and I'm not sure what it was that made me stop liking him…I think it was because I overheard him talk about smoking and stuff….and that turned me off from him.
After him, I liked yet another guy (I'm purposefully not giving out their names). He never felt the same way about me…and he was the first one that I liked a lot and really, really hoped that I would be in a relationship with. He was nice to me, and it is because of him that I got ICQ. He introduced me to it. (and it is because of ICQ that I started using orkut…a friend on ICQ invited me to her orkut community, and that's how I ended up on orkut. Someone else on ICQ suggested that I try My Space, and that's how I ended up here)
Well, the guy that I had liked from my science class and his friends used to also call me up on the phone…in 8th and 9th grade….and some of them used to play with my heart. They wrote me fake love notes….and although I knew that the love notes were fake, somehow, I hoped that there might be some truth to them. To be treasured and valued by a guy…..I longed for that…to be thought of as beautiful….
They used to also send me some e-mails about it…e-mail was pretty new at the time, and we all had school e-mail addresses. I didn't have the Internet at home until partway through 9th grade. But anyway, these guys used to send me "love" e-mails…and it did make me feel loved sometimes. They did it as a joke, though, and I also knew that.
Once, before a dance, a guy called me up and said very nice things to me…he pretended to be in love with me…and although in the back of my mind I thought it might be a joke from them, I still hoped that it was true. I'm a romantic…and I've always dreamed that a guy would call me and want to dance with me. When I got there, there was no one. I was by myself most of the time. The guy who had called me, when he saw me, he laughed in my face.
This was the guys' idea of entertainment….at my expense.
In 10th grade, I liked this yet another guy a lot. He was really good looking, and he was nice to me. When he found out I liked him, he didn't push me away, but he was willing to be my friend. He was happy to dance with me at the dances, and he didn't care what other people thought. He never felt the same way about me, but he was nice…and because of his reaction, I felt I could talk to guys again. Finally, I started to get the idea that nice guys did exist in the world.
In 11th grade I still liked him….but I eventually stopped liking him. He remained my friend even though he knew that I had liked him and that he did not like me back.
I really, really liked him, and I had convinced myself that he was the right guy for me…just because he was so nice to me. I didn't think that there could be any other guys out there that would be better.
In 12th grade I kind of liked someone….but it wasn't a huge crush. I didn't know him that well….. I tried to talk to him, he responded, but he never ever seemed to start up a conversation of his own. He was a huge Star Wars fan, like me.
Well, then I went off to college….my freshman year I liked a total different guy. He also was very nice to me…he actually listened to me and seemed to share as well. I was convinced he was the right guy for me too….because I didn't think I could do any better. He listened to me and he was my friend…
I wasn't sure that he liked me back….but one of my friends in college convinced me she was 100% sure that he liked me…until she said that, I didn't dare to hope. So I was SURE that he liked me back….so when one night he called me on the phone and said he wanted to talk, I thought that he would declare his feelings for me. I was excited…and I couldn't wait.
I rushed down to the place where we were to meet…we went for a little walk….and he stopped and asked me if there was anything that I had to say to him. I told him that I liked him. He told me that he had heard that…and that he wanted to clear things up…he felt it was important. He told me that he did not feel the same way….and that upset me because I had set my hopes on his liking me back.
I didn't give up though…I thought…well maybe we'll just be friends and the friendship will build into a love relationship. Well a couple weeks later there was a play, and he was in the play. My friend invited me to come, so I did…the only reason I came was to see him act.
After the play was over, I was hoping to run up to him and give him a hug….well….so I waited for the actors to come out. He eventually came out, but he was not alone. There was a girl with him. I had known that another girl liked him, but I didn't know they were going out. No one warned me, although several people knew I liked him.
Well….I found out rather suddenly….they kissed right in the open…and then I knew…and that really upset me. I left crying. I went back to my room and started crying and praying, and God spoke to me about this…
Before I continue, let me back up to some other times when God had spoken about the relationship area of my life. When I was in 7th grade I had liked this guy…I didn't mention it because it wasn't a huge deal. I heard him approach another girl and ask her out. That upset me a little, but not a whole lot….people weren't generally that serious about relationships back in 7th grade. After I went back to my seat though, I felt as if God were saying to me, "I'm saving someone special for you…the first person you actually date will be the person you will be with…" something to that effect. It's something I've always had a feeling about.
The second time God spoke to me about this area of my life was just after I had found out there was no longer any chance with the nice guy from high school. I was walking to class, and once again God spoke to me….I felt as if He was saying, "I'm saving something very special for you…this is a gift I'm giving you…I have someone better for you…" (I took that to mean that the guy God had chosen for me was going to be better for me, not necesarily a better person.)
Well, now…in my room just after I had learned that Matt did not like me back, and that he was going out with someone, God spoke to me again. In the midst of my praying and crying, the little line, "good things come to those who wait and those who believe in what is to come…" popped into my head, and I felt like hanging it in my room. I was crying, asking, "why do I always like the wrong guy…." God's answer was something like this, "It's because you have been relying on yourself, and you haven't been allowing Me to choose for you. I know you…I made you. I have someone special for you, but you have to let Me choose for you."
So in that moment I decided that I would not like another guy unless it was something from God. I didn't want to rely on myself, because every time I did, I had been wrong…I choose the wrong kinds of people for myself, and if I was going to continue doing that, I would continue getting hurt.
This didn't mean that I stopped struggling with it though, but I did try to give that area of my life over to God. I still longed to have a guy in my life, though.
At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I was a resident assistant, and we had a special cookout at the nature center. There were trails there….and I went for a walk with several other people. During the walk I was really longing to be with a guy…to share it with a guy. It made me upset….my longing for a guy in my life.
Some people had left, but a couple of people were still there. Among them was a guy and Tami. Both of them were Christian, and they asked me what was wrong. I told them. They hugged me…and Tami said that I could borrow a book from her called When God Writes Your Love Story. I borrowed it from her…and it was amazing. It totally encouraged me, and I saw that God actually could do what I wanted Him to do in my life….bring me a guy.
Still, though I continued to struggle. It used to hurt me every time I saw a couple together holding hands and whatnot. Over Christmas break, my sister, who had a boyfriend at the time, invited him over to watch a movie. I saw them cuddling together, and I saw her with her group of friends….things that I did not have…and I started crying. I wanted both so badly. I basically cried out to God and told Him I wanted both. I also told Him that I didn't know any guys like the kind of guy I wanted.
Suddenly I realized that I liked the nice Christian guy…I didn't really know him very well, but he was extremely kind…one of the things I really wanted in a guy…and he had comforted me a couple times….and the way I met him was that I had been sitting by myself at lunch and he and his friend sat down with me because they didn't want me alone. He had kind of rescued me…LOL…and at the Bible study Christmas celebration, I had sat in a corner because I didn't feel like I deserved to be there….I hadn't gone to Bible study very much…and he came over to me and extended his hand to me and pulled me up. He told me that it didn't matter that I hadn't been coming, and he walked me over to a bench and sat me down, and he sat next to me….I had been completely blind to my feelings for him and what a nice guy he was.
However, I mistook my feelings for him…I thought that God was telling me he was the right guy for me….instead God was answering the other part of my prayer…as well as helping with the guy area.
When we got back from Christmas break, I wanted to tell this nice guy that I liked him….but I decided that instead I would thank him for his friendship to me. I invited him over to my room and sat him down and thanked him for being so kind to me.
We got into a long conversation, and we ended up watching Pride and Prejudice together, and he helped me put together a bulletin board. He also called me that week and invited me to go to dinner and eat with him and his friends. During break, I had also decided to go to Bible study more…not because of the nice guy, but because I knew I needed to, and that God wanted me to.
My friendship with this nice guy started then….and although I really, really liked him and was convinced he was the right guy for me….he was just meant to be my really good friend….and to help prepare me for my future husband…he was the right TYPE of guy, though, and I knew that.
He was an awesome Christian friend too, and he encouraged me and assured me that I was God's princess…bought with Jesus' blood. He treated me with respect…and as a sister in Christ. I had never really been treated like that by a guy before.
He also invited me to hang out with him and his friends on the weekends…and I knew he accepted me as an equal…he didn't look down on me like so many other people did. He was just the kind of guy I needed for a friend, and I am much better for it.
Throughout my college years I continued to grow in my relationship with God….Jesus Christ really did become my first love. God began healing me…..I had thought that only a guy could help me feel better….but I learned that I needed to rely on God to do that, because only He could satisfy my every need. Only He could truly comfort me. And He did….when my grandfather died before my junior year of college….yes it upset me when he died…and I had always wondered what I would do if someone close to me died and I didn't have a boyfriend…other girls had their boyfriends to hold them and be with them…but I didn't……well….I found out that the Holy Spirit was more than capable of comforting me completely….because He did. I didn't really grieve very much, because I trusted in God…and I was comforted by the Holy Spirit.
I learned to rely more and more on the Holy Spirit in college….I went on three trips to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Florida with Campus Crusade over spring break…..those were awesome times! I also went to two Christmas Conferences, which I also learned and grew a lot from.
Now….after all of this, I've been out of college for two years….I'm in graduate school now, and I still do not have a boyfriend, and I still have never been on a date…but you know what, it's all right. God has promised me several times (and I didn't include them all) that He has someone special for me….
My whole focus on relationships is different than it used to be. I used to want a guy because I wanted him to comfort me and I wanted to talk to him…and to have a relationship. Don't get me wrong…that's still a part of it, but that's not my main focus. What I want out of a relationship now is that my relationship would glorify God. I want to grow in my faith, and I want to grow with someone…I want to serve God with another person…
I know that God's in control of my life…and although sometimes it's hard to trust something that logically would not make sense (me being in a relationship – I've never had any relationship experience…logic would say that a guy wouldn't want me), I believe that all things are possible with God, despite what people have constantly told me about never finding a guy.
Now…with all that has happened to me in my past….I do not think that God delights in our struggles….but that He allows them to happen so that we can be made stronger…..He allows Satan to mess with us….but in the end it only makes us stronger for God…and it glorifies Him. I have an amazing testimony, and I have a level of faith that most people do not have because of it.
When I was in junior high or high school…I don't know what year it was…I remember sitting on the bus. My friend turned to me…he knew how people treated me, and he asked me if I had ever thought of killing myself or anything. I turned to him and I told him this: "No. Things might be bad right now, but I know that God has a plan for my life. If I killed myself, then God couldn't use me. I know this isn't all that God has for me…things won't always stay like this."
To that I hold…..
As for my college friend…well, he was a really awesome guy, but since he didn't like me back, that means that God has someone even better for me than him. I don't know when God will bring him (my future husband) into my life…but I know that He will some day. My college friend was nice, but God has someone just for me, and it's not my college friend.
God's not done healing me…but I've come a long way.
If I wasn't a failure, then neither are you. God has a plan for your life too….even though sometimes it's hard to trust Him…..He loves you.
I can look back at every guy that I've liked so far and I can honestly say that God was wiser than me. He knew that they were not the right guys for me, and now I can see that too. I would have just been more hurt had I been in a relationship with them.
Believe me…I understand about wanting to share the depths of your heart with someone. I know this might be hard to hear, but we have to be content with just Jesus until God brings the right guy into our lives. It's not easy…not at all. Singleness is a hard life.
One thing I've learned about being single for so long is that this is a gift from Him…it's our time period to really grow close to Him so that He really is our first love. I admit that He wasn't always my first love. I used to desire guys above my desire for Him.
Another thing I have learned is that I need to guard my heart. I can't just let it be given away to any guy…but I want to save it for my husband.
As for success in career….I know this is really tough for us to take a hold of too…but remember what Jesus said. He said that God would provide for us whatever we needed, and not to worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own. He'll provide somehow, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Ask God for strength…how to get through this period of time.
Ask the Holy Spirit to comfort you and empower you to get through it….
If you're an emotional fool, then so am I….but Jesus' grace is sufficient. I know that I could not have gotten through school without Him.
Yes….God does know that we get hurt when we see the guy we like with another girl…it hurt me a lot when the the nice guy from college had a couple girlfriends…seeing them together all the time…but until I was able to feel happy for him, and surrender the situation to God, I wasn't able to let go…I even had to ask his girlfriends for forgiveness….because I had had bad feelings…I had wished that they would not have a successful relationship and I had been jealous of them. I had to ask for their forgiveness for it.
I guess here's the thing….which do you love more…God or the guy? You have to be honest with yourself….it's something we constantly have to watch. If you love the guy more than God, that's a huge problem. Would you still be okay if you never see the guy again?
As for losing the other guy over your relationship with Jesus Christ…let me tell you that I know God is proud of you for that. This too may be hard to hear…but Christians should only be in marriages with other Christians. If he wasn't a Christian, it's better that you broke up.
Let me tell you something else too…Satan loves to attack this area of our lives. Satan hates us and he loves to make us feel bad about ourselves. That's his goal. He wants to destroy our lives. Some of what you're experiencing may also be spiritual warfare…lies that Satan is feeding you.
For example, for me I used to think I was the ugliest girl ever because no guy asked me out, I thought I was subhuman, that no one would ever want to be my friend…that I was nothing…..these were all lies that Satan was feeding me
On eveanglism
As an elementary student, I remember singing the songs that I had learned in children's choir at my church, in hopes that other kids would hear them. I remember going to church and hoping that someone at church who didn't know about Jesus would learn about Him. I would imagine that.
It's a passion that God placed deep within me when I got saved, even though I didn't fully understand the message of the cross, and even though I had so much to learn about a closer relationship with Him.
Well, during my senior year of high school, I went to this thing called Niagara 2000, which was sponsored by Youth for Christ. It was really awesome, there were about 6,000 students from all over the United States, and we were gathered there to worship God. There were speakers, contemporary worship (first time I had really been exposed to it), and just awesome presentations.
During this conference, someone spoke about Cross Evangelism Training - Niagara 2000, the whole focus was kind of on evangelism. I was convicted, and felt that I needed to actually take the Gospel Message to people at my school. I don't know if people at school knew I was a Christian, because I never talked about my love for Jesus Christ, at least with most people. I never brought a Bible to school (I went to a public school, so you wouldn't think to do that anyway), but just to hear the testimony, "I wish someone shared with me about Jesus when I was in math class," and "if only other students had brought Bible's to class, just to have it on their desks."
Later, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit and I finally understood what real worship was. I remember sitting there thinking, "This is what worship is supposed to be like" it was a meeting with God, it was totally surrendering to Him and glorifying Him, not just singing words, as I had been accustomed to thinking of it as. I also understood the gospel message better than I had ever before (no one really talked about it at the church I grew up in.) It was a realization like, "wow…He loves me, and He died for me."
So from then on, I had a renewed passion to witness to people, more than I had before. I really wanted to take part in the evangelism outreach at Niagara 2000, but only a limited amount of people got to go. I never let go of that passion.
When I got back to school, I wanted to make a difference for Christ. I started bringing my Bible to school, and I started talking about my experience at Niagara more and more. I had talked with a few people about my faith before, but this was like at a whole different level.
Then when I started attending college, I joined Campus Crusade for Christ. Over spring break I went to something called Big Break. I did this for three years, sophomore, junior, and senior years of college. Big Break was very similar to Niagara, except the whole focus of it was on evangelism. We gathered together for worship, we had speakers that spoke about a specific topic, and another speaker who would give us encouragement about reaching people for Christ. Each day, we were told to go out onto the Panama City Beach in Florida and witness to people. It was awesome, we took several hours out of every day to do this. And through that experience, I learned about what obedience to the Holy Spirit is, and learned to trust Him and rely on Him. Each of the three years He taught me something different, and I grew more and more.
I also went to the Indy Christmas Conference, which was also through Campus Crusade, and I attended this for two years. Again, there were speakers and awesome worship, but the focus was a little different. The first year the topic was having a thirst for God, and the second year the theme was He Is. We had a day of outreach with that (and again God showed me different things both years), and we also had a day when we could pick whatever sessions we wanted to go to.
Well, the second year I went, there was a topic called "Witnessing to Jehovah's Witnesses." I felt an urge from the Holy Spirit to attend that session. I didn't know why, because I didn't know any Jehovah's Witnesses, but it was really strong, and I knew it was from God. So, I obeyed, and I went to it. Up to that point, I hadn't really been involved in witnessing to different groups of people, only to people who didn't really believe in God at all. So this was really strange for me.
So I attended the session, not knowing very much about Jehovah's Witnesses except that one of my Sunday School teachers had said they were not Christian. This guy spoke whose father had been a Jehovah's Witness, but upon reading through the book of Colossians in the their bible, he realized that they were wrong, and so his son started this ministry to them. I learned the basic beliefs of the Jehovah's Witness, but more importantly, the speaker gave us his website:
EadsHome Ministries
I looked at it a little bit, but didn't really do a whole lot with it. Then either later that day or the next day we had our day of outreach. Well, we were to give food to poor people in Indy, and we were given a specific street to do, and while doing this, we were to share the Gospel Message. Well not very many people were home, and as we were walking, I felt that strong urge from the Holy Spirit again, and He was telling me that we needed to go to this grey house that bordered the street we were on.
I told my group that I was feeling that God really wanted us to go to that house. They accepted that, and we went to that house. The lady that lived there was home, and so we started talking, and it turns out that she didn't really have a church, but had been attending a Jehovah's Witness congregation a couple times. She really wasn't strong in a belief about anything. Wow, that was awesome. I used the stuff that I had learned in the session about the Jehovah's Witness and was able to counter some Jehovah's Witness teaching in a very limited way, and shared with her the hope of heaven that all people who believe in Jesus have. I gave her one of the booklets we had, and walked through that with her. She was kind of unsure about everything.
Then that summer, when I went to Big Break 2003, I encountered an older couple, they were both Jehovah's Witness, and then she started talking to me about Jehovah's Witness beliefs. I hadn't really looked at the Jehovah's Witness stuff since Christmas Conference, but I remembered some of the stuff, and some of the arguments I could use. But I didn't actually have much of a chance to tell her what I thought about everything. She did most of the talking. Therefore, I didn't feel satisfied with my conversation and I needed time to look up certain verses in the Bible. Jehovah's Witnesses are taught to witness to people using their beliefs. We Christians are not taught to defend our beliefs against Jehovah's Witnesses, so they have an advantage. I felt compelled to write her a letter after looking things up in my Bible to present a case for my own beliefs. I don't have a copy of that letter now, because I hand wrote it, but as I was writing it, I prayed and asked God that if He wanted me to give the letter to her, that He would help me find her the next day so that I could give it to her. I hadn't set up a meeting time or place with her. Well, I wrote it, then took it with me the next day when I went out on the beach. I started walking, and I found her! biggrin
Then I graduated from college, and that summer a Jehovah's Witness who had graduated from high school with me knocked on my door. After the encounter in Florida, I had begun to have a passion for witnessing to Jehovah's Witnesses. Well, Jenifer (not her real name) came over the first time while I was unavailable. My parents talked to her, though, and told me that Jenifer and another Jehovah's Witness had stopped by. I was disappointed that I had missed her, but it gave me a chance to go to the EadsHome Ministries website. I went there and printed off a bunch of stuff. The website was very useful. She told my parents she would probably come back again in a week or so. So I got ready.
Well she returned and she and I talked. We talked about once a week for several months. I not only read the website, but I started reading other books about Jehovah's Witnesses, and how I could witness to them, as well as what they really believed. As I was doing this I began to REALLY have a passion for them. God laid them on my heart. Jenifer and I discussed several topics, among them was the Trinity. Before that point, I had never really examined why I believed in the Trinity as far as Scripturally and with reason. Talking to a Jahovah's Witness about this stuff forced me to do this. I began with the stuff from the EadsHome Ministries website and the books I had read on Jehovah's Witnesses, but then God began showing me stuff about the Trinity Himself, and I began to understand better at a different level than I ever had before.
Before, I believed in the Trinity and Jesus' Deity because I just knew the beliefs were right, just through my personal relationship with God, but with what happened as a result of talking with Jenifer, I have more of a reason than that, I have thought about it and I have examined Scripture and allowed God to speak to me about it. So now my understanding on these matters is even at a deeper level, and I have more of a base to argue from and to witness from. It also strengthens my own faith and glorifies God.
It's just really cool.
But since that time, He has placed me in contact with other Jehovah's Witnesses
So throughout all of this, God has given me a passion for not only reaching the people who do not consider God or believe in Him at all, but also for people who are in other religions, or who are in cults (like Jehovah's Witnesses).
I cannot wait to see where the Lord takes me next.
More on Big Break and my experiences through it
Big Break 2003
This was the first Big Break trip I went on. I really had wanted to go…because of my passion for witnessing to people, but I had never actually gone up to total strangers and shared my faith with them face to face. I was really excited!
The first day we got there, we had the opportunity to pass out bottles of water to people on the beach. Several people from my Campus Crusade group were with me, and we were going to go as a big group and just pass out water. We weren't looking to get involved in a conversation…which was to my disappointment. But I went with the group, and I was among the last in the group….and a big drunk guy saw me and asked for water. I had a bottle, so I stopped and gave it to him. The rest of the group kept on going. He started talking to me, and we got into a conversation about God. I wasn't scared at all (and I know that was totally the Holy Spirit), and another girl from a different group joined me, and we both were talking to this guy.
It was really awesome…and I found out later that it was a big encouragement to the others in my group, because they stopped to see where I was, and they saw me talking to this guy…and I'm pretty small.
I loved being able to talk to that guy. At that point in time, I didn't know the Bible as well as I know it now, so I couldn't really give him Bible passages as part of my argument, but the girl that came up alongside me used some Scripture. I couldn't help but feel like I was lacking in knowledge of the Bible, but at the same time I knew that God would enable me to speak the truth.
We had our first session that night, and after it was over, we were to go out in small groups and go up and down the strip of Panama City Beach, Florida and just pray for the people. This strip was scary….it was at night, and there were people driving up and down the strip blaring their music, and there were people drinking and smoking all along the way. Our directions were specific…we were to go to the strip.
I went with a group…maybe somewhere between 8 and 10 people…and as we were walking and praying…I was scared out of my mind. Each time I closed my eyes, I was afraid someone was going to run into us with a car, or kill us, or that something was going to happen to me. However, I decided to put my trust in God, though I was still a little scared.
Well as we were praying, random people started coming up to us. They WANTED to talk about God, they wanted to know what we were doing, or they just wanted to talk. Seriously, we would be huddled in a group, praying, and someone would come up to us. The speakers at Big Break called things like this Divine Appointments. Each time someone talked to us, it was a divine appointment. It was just so awesome to see God work like that.
And the trust that I developed from trusting in God…that despite being afraid, that I still trusted that God wouldn't let anything happen to us….well you might get a glimpse of the level of trust and what this night of prayer on the strip did for me when you read my Big Break 2004 experience.
As for actual witnessing on the beach….well we went in partners, originally with the same sex. This was before they assigned groups to different parts of the beach…..but most of the people we came in contact with had already been talked to. That was disappointing to me…I mean it was good they were talked to…but I really wanted to be a part of what God was doing.
Also, since it was my first year, and I was completely inexperienced in witnessing, I had to go with one of the Campus Crusade staff for the first three or four days of witnessing. Therefore, I really wasn't the one to choose who to talk with.
The speakers and the worship was awesome!
One song that we sang…and I can't find it anywhere on a CD is this: (it's called One Name. I can't find even the lyrics anywhere, so I'm just going to have to go from memory)
"There is one name under heaven whereby we might be saved. Forgive of our sins, washed in the water. Free, I'm really free my friend, freed by the blood of the Lamb. God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna move in this pla-ace, God's gonna turn this whole world upside down."
We sang that song like every day, and it was awesome. But anyway, God really convicted me of some things with the speakers, and I learned a lot from them. One thing that I really remember is that they asked us to pray for compassion. I did…and my outlook of the whole drunk people on the beach changed…..before I thought …."oh they're a bunch of drunkards," and I really was disgusted by them and looked down on them. The Holy Spirit convicted me of those thoughts, and He began to show me how hurt those people were, and how much they were in need of salvation.
Well, after finding people that had already been talked to for the first few days of witnessing, we decided to go to a different part of the beach. Throughout the week we had been encouraged to pray for the people's hearts that we would be talking to, and were reminded time and time again that this whole thing wasn't about us…it's about God. We're not the ones who change hearts…only God is, but we can plant seeds.
So everyday that we were on the beach, as we were walking, I always prayed for God to change people's hearts…I cried out to Him, and I asked for strength, courage, and guidance. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me and I told Him that I would trust Him.
Well, when we went to this other part of the beach…there were a lot more clubs there…Club LaVela…might have spelled that wrong…was a big party spot, and it was to this area that we went that day.
Before I had left for our trip, our Bible study group leader, who had gone to Big Break the year before, had told us that we could be a witness in like picking up trash and whatever, and if anyone asked, we could say, "Jesus told me to."
Well our big group got split up, and while we were "done" for the day…again, no such luck talking with people. Most had already been talked with. My partner and I sat down and waited for another small group to get back. They had been held up. I didn't just want to sit there, though.
I realized I hadn't given out any of the free CD's that we had been given to hand out to people, so I opened my bag and approached a random person and asked him if he wanted a CD. He said, "sure." I gave it to him. As soon as he found out it was Christian, he took it and he threw it….and the cover broke. He did not want to talk. (That was the only person that I encountered who responded like that the whole time, and it didn't stop me from wanting to witness.)
Well, I saw there was a whole bunch of trash on the ground, and so I remembered what was said before the trip, and so I started picking it up and taking it to a trash can. There were lots of trash cans there on the beach. There were a couple guys throwing a football back and forth around the location of that trash can. The guy nearest the can noticed me. After several times of going there, he asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was picking up trash on the beach, and I told him why I was in Florida…that we were there to share Jesus with people on the beach. He was interested, and asked me a couple questions. At that point in my witnessing life, I hadn't really tried to explain the Gospel Message outside of the "Know God Personally" booklet, and he was the first person I had really talked with anyway. He was still throwing the football, so I couldn't really sit down and go through the booklet with him…however I gave it to him and told him to read it. We probably said a couple other words…I don't remember what else, and then he promised me that he would read the booklet.
I went back to where everyone was. I went off to go look at something. While I was gone, he came up to the other people in our group and told them that "their friend had talked to me and that he was going to read the booklet." When I came back, they told me that he said that, and I was just like, "wow…look at what you are doing, God! Thank you so much for using me in this."
I loved that feeling…and it made me want to witness more and to praise God.
Those were the most significant things that happened with Big Break 2003. I learned to rely on God in a total different way, and to trust that the Holy Spirit would lead me, change hearts, and could use me. I got so much out of that experience that I wanted to come back the next year….and I did.
